Changes

Ok, so it has been a very long year, and a few things have changed (aside from the format and name) but what can I say, a girl needs to change things up every now and again!! :)

First, I must apologize for being remiss in updating both on facebook and here, but I think I have really needed this last year to be mine.

Second, I have really missed updating regularly, writing, and simply thinking out loud with all of you. But, no promises, no guarantees because we all know where that goes… a weird sense of self-inflicted guilt for falling short (of what? I have no idea…).

Finally, I have to give credit where credit is due. On a bright morning, in Canadian Cottage Country, I was talking with my friend, Jess, about this crazy journey that I am on. At the time, I was marveling at the changes in my life in such a short time… feeling hot and cold, coming alive to the fact that I actually had feelings, likes, dislikes, etc. 

And she turned to me and said, “You’re becoming human.”

As a former robot and workaholic, these words struck me… and became a significant part of the journey I am on to become the person that I am, and always have been.

A person I suppressed for so many years. A person that I am just now getting to know.

And that is the beautiful thing. I am becoming human. I am coming alive, and coming to believe. 

Learning to relax (this one is hard), learning to do things I enjoy, becoming aware of the things that I am passionate about, and allowing myself to have an opinion…

So you see, change is not always a bad thing… 

Update ;)

It has been a long time since I last blogged about my life! I guess I have just been trying more and more to actually live my life. It is so easy for me to get caught up on facebook or online or in a book that I forget that there is a world to be discovered. And hiding behind a computer screen isn't always the most healthy thing to do. However, I welcome emails if anyone wants information between posts, however, I reserve the right to not email you back until Christmas... or maybe the new year? :) My communication skills have seriously been lacking lately.

Anyway, last time I updated, I was still living in Canada, but since then I spent three months back in Minnesota preparing to go to Scotland for Uni. I lived in a house with two wonderful girls and a grand total of 5 cats... the girls were great, the cats, not so much. I can officially say that I am not a cat person, and I don't think that I want to live with cats ever again... yes, I am traumatized! Though to be fair, the cats were added slowly over the three months and were at times very cute! In Minnesota, I got the chance to see my mom, a lot of old friends and enjoy probably my last summer before I have to be a grown up and get a real job. :)



Edinburgh Castle

From Minnesota, I moved myself and as much stuff as I could carry to Scotland. And it has been an adventure. I am now going to University to get my Masters degree, something that I have always wanted since probably my first year of undergrad actually, but I never really thought that I would. And I never thought that I would be going to Scotland to get it. It is a joy to be immersed in "my field" as I put it, of anthropology, sociology, and poli sci, but it is also really hard. The grading system here is just a bit different, but I am finding that my abilities are not lacking and that I just need to trust the goods that God gave me. It can also be hard to make new friends and settle in with a new group of flat mates, I have 11 flat mates from 6 different countries... we're pretty cool. I have been finding time to get around and look around the city and the surrounding area a bit, and I think I am falling in love with Scotland. It really is a lovely place (pictured)

Glasgow Cathedral

.

This One is for Me

The idea that I have the right to choose that I am okay or that I matter is a concept that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around... so often, I find that I look toward others to tell me who I am and how I should feel about myself and the world around me. The idea that I can choose how I view myself and how I relate to the world around me is a pretty new concept... you see, in the past, I have let others tell me that I should feel horrible about myself, that I am a horrible sinner that can only get into heaven by just barely scraping by, and even then, I don't deserve it, and that I am undeserving of so much and deserving of very little... to sum it up, I should feel pretty crappy about myself... so I did. I didn't think very much of myself. Even in the midst of my accomplishments, I would feel so undeserving that I couldn't fully enjoy them. I would credit everyone but me, because the idea that I had worked really hard was almost too much for me to handle. I walked into relationships feeling like I was so lucky to even have a friend... my expectations were low and it showed. I have let people treat me really poorly.

 Even now, I sit here in a coffee shop and marvel at the fact that I took myself out for dinner... two years ago that would have never happened, you see... going out for dinner by myself just for the sake of going out and being kind to myself was something that I couldn't fathom... I didn't believe I deserved it. Even when I would have a long drive, I would not stop at McDonalds to even get myself a $2 drink for the road. I didn't feel as though I deserved it, and I couldn't begin to fathom when others would do it for themselves... were they nuts? No, I was nuts. I didn't think I was worth the $2 it cost to buy a soft drink... even when I got to the point of buying myself a pop from the vending machine for my night classes at Metro, I would feel like I had to justify it... to myself and to others if they asked, which of course they didn't!

The problem is, I know I'm not alone in this... there are so many people who think so poorly of themselves, and what do we do? We use our words and our actions to show them how unimportant they are. I can tell you hands down the people who loved me just to love me... they showed me when they could that I was lovely and loveable. I can also tell you the people who let me know that I was a nuisance to them. They may not have said anything directly, but the words they used and the things that they did and didn't do, showed me how unimportant I was... and I thought I deserved it. I thought that was normal, and I thought that the people who just loved me were abnormal. I didn't know what to do with someone who just hugged me every time they saw me because they could and they wanted to... in some ways, that idea is still unfathomable.

The idea that people just love me because of me is still a strange concept... I am so used to letting people treat me as unimportant = the same way I feel. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to let people treat me poorly because the more I become aware of this death provoking seed that has been planted in my heart, the more I want to stop it... and I think I want to become more aware of the way that I treat those around me. I know that I am not a 24/7 loving machine... I'm not there yet. I do like the analogy that once our own love tank is filled up to overflowing, we are able to share that with others... we are able to let our overflow of love spill into the lives of those around us. It is a beautiful thing when we let ourselves be loved by those around us but also when we are able to simply love without any strings attached.

Just A Note

This is a letter that I wrote to a friend a few months ago... and I thought that  I would share it because there is a level of truth that all of us can relate to. The personal information has been removed and parts have been changed to maintain the anonymity and privacy of my friend.

"I wish that we were back in the first grade and a hug would solve everything... well sort of. I guess what we trade in simplicity we gain in living a more full life, which has its draw backs too. I would give you a hug right now, if I could, so cyber hug? HHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! Okay, I know what you are thinking, it isn't the same, but it is quite literally the best I can do on such short notice :)

I am sorry that you are struggling, and I am sorry that it hurts and that you are not happy. I know how that feels. How you are feeling breaks my heart a little bit, not because you feel far away from God, but because you are giving yourself such a hard time about it. I know what that is like because so often I berate myself over things that I know God wouldn't give me a hard time about because He knows me and He knows where I am at.

I think the same is true for you... God sees you. He sees your pain and He sees what you are doing, but He isn't standing over you and condemning you. He just wants to love you right where you are at. I guess when I am struggling with my stuff, often relationships, but I can be more specific, I give myself a hard time about being angry with God about what it is that He wants me to do sometimes or the fact that so often I feel alone, I have a good couple of friends, but basically just me and God (and I know that in the Bible, this is supposed to be the utmost longing or something, but when the rubber meets the road, my heart yearns for physical company and a HOME!!, God is great, but sometimes, I just want a frickin' hug!) that being said, that is where I am at, and instead of giving myself a hard time about it, I need to let God love me, which is hard for me to do because so often, I don't think I am worthy... and the truth is, it shows God's grace... Plus, if I always am working to get to that perfect state of everything is just right, no anger, not lonely, loving the just me and God on an island dynamic, when will I ever get around to just being myself with God? At that point, I am letting all of my emotional crap get in the way of my relationship with God... what happened to come as you are? In some ways, I blame the church for making it seem like I have to be perfect in order to truly be "Christian," but the reality is, I have internalized this fantasy that perfection is possible, it's not.

...so maybe just sit down and talk to God about all of this. He gets it! He gets you more than anyone else, more than me, more than your parents or roommates or church friends. More than anyone. He sees you as you. He knows why you do the things that you do and He knows why you don't think you should. He sees how amazing you are, and He sees your struggles. You don't have to put up a front for Him.. and frankly, I like the imperfect you better than a perfect one... makes me not feel so alone in a (most often) fake world. Jesus loves you, just the way you are."

These are truths that apply to all of us... I think too often, I give myself a hard time about not being good enough. I see this same struggle in my friends. We believe we are not a good enough Christian, not a good enough person, or whatever. The simple truth of the matter is, God created us to love us; He isn't waiting for me to be mythological "good enough" or to meet some invisible standard that he holds all Christians to. He wants me to be the best me possible, and that means embracing who God created me to be and letting go of the fakeness and perfectionism that has invaded the world in which we live, including the church.

I pray that I know these things not only in my head but also in my heart... these aren't things that come easily, but it really requires me to trust God and believe that He couldn't love me more than He does right now, with all my faults and all my glory. He loves me for me, and He loves you too.

Also, thanks to JG for encouraging me to post my half of this conversation.

Falling

Today a friend just reminded me how important it is to fall because it is in falling that we learn to pick ourselves up again. I know that she was talking about falling in a metaphorical sense or spiritual sense, but my mind immediately went to falling physically as well because I find that these physical examples often provide for me a visual of what falling really means.

I have literally fallen out of trees, whiped out on wet floors, slipped on plastic objects and fallen down the stairs... in writing that one sentence, I am feeling lucky that I am here to write about it. I know there have been times where people literally thought I wouldn't get back up, but I did. I have never been one to let circumstances hold me down, even painful ones.

Additionally, I have always found that it isn't so much about whether or not I fall, but about how I pick myself back up. Too soon, and I hurt everywhere, but too late, and I will never get up for fear of pain.

It has always been important to me that despite my falling at different times and places within the last four years, that I always master the issue that took me down.

In the case of the tree, I climbed that tree after I fell out of it. In the case of the stairs, I continually walk up and down them throughout my day. I don't know how one would master a wet floor, but if that was possible, I did.  Am I more cautious, yes, but I don't want to live in fear of pain. I don't want to walk through life avoiding areas that may be difficult or that have hurt me in the past. That's not what I am here to do.

I think the same is true emotionally, spiritually, and metaphorically. Just because we have fallen doesn't mean that we can completely avoid those areas that bring us pain or may cause us to stumble, should we be cautious, yes. Should we be aware of our shortcomings, yes, but fear them? No. Living life in fear of what may happen if we were to fall again, is not God's best for us.

I think God wants us to live a life full of His grace, and love, and in the knowledge that He will make the changes necessary in each and every one of us. We don't have to fear our shortcomings, rather be aware of them and hand them over to God so that He can make the necessary changes within us.

Ultimately, I have no control over whether or not I fall down again, but I can trust God to protect me. I can also be more aware of the reality that I am a bit clumsy and probably reckless in some ways, but I will continue to climb trees and glide across wet floors and run up and down stairs because that is what I do.

Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes.

Okay, perhaps "hate" is too strong a word. I dread goodbyes, especially when I know that it will be a very long time before I see that individual again. It is one thing to say goodbye when you will see someone again in twenty minutes or a week. It is completely different when you know that this person is going halfway across the globe and you may never see them again... I have had to do this before, but it doesn't get easier.

Our team, Harcourt, me, Maureen, and Jess

This week, I have to drive my friend and teammate, Harcourt, to the airport. I have known for nearly a month that this impending goodbye was coming, but knowing this, never makes it easier.

Harcourt is finally going home.

I keep telling myself this because I know that it is time for him to go home. However, my mind always goes to the next thought, which is that I have never lived on the farm or known a time in the last year in which Harcourt was not here. Life will certainly be different.

 Don't misinterpret what I am saying, Harcourt is a dear friend and a fantastic big brother. I will miss his advice, his words from the Lord, his praying, and his kind spirit.

I am also learning that apart of this life that I have chosen is saying goodbye. It is meeting people who I come to love and having to part ways. It also, often, means that I have to live with the reality that I may never get to see them again in this life.

I do trust that his friendship will always be a part of my life. And I thank God that he came to the farm so that Jess and I could get to know him better.

God Rocks!

These last few weeks have been very interesting. I celebrated my 22nd birthday, met with other Ywamers, processed many new ideas and facts about myself and others, actually, I am still processing. However, today, I was reminded by my roommate of some really good news that happened recently, and I want to share it with all of you :)

When I was living in Japan during my DTS, we did a lot of seemingly "little" things. Things that at the time caused me to wonder if we were doing anything at all. When you go on a DTS, you come into the outreach phase on fire for God and ready to change the world... then you make it on outreach and realize that the world is a pretty big place and that you will probably only leave a small dent. You also learn that the only One who can make big dents is God.

In Japan, we went on a lot of prayer walks... and I mean a lot. I think one of our main activities was simply praying over the local prison, walking through red light districts, and praying along the path we daily travelled.

While in Japan, it was the red light districts that left an impression on my heart and mind. They are literally ghost towns except for a well dressed man standing in at the entrance of every club. I walked these roads praying, Christmas caroling  and just having my heart broken for Japan. I do not believe I ever saw a woman on these streets. These red light districts are strange, and they often left me feeling physically sick whenever I went in.

Recently, I found out that one of the larger prostitution rings was busted in one of the districts that we prayed in!! When I found this out, I had the immediate feeling of joy. My team and I prayed for justice. We prayed for freedom, and while this freedom did not come while we were in Japan, it has come for so many women and men just in this past month. Our prayers did and do matter.  I can honestly say that God has shown His mighty power and His working through prayer.

I ask that you pray with me that God continues to break down the walls of these red light districts and set the captives free.

Please feel free to message me for more details :)