Relationships, the Homeless, and my Birhday!

This week has definitely been a rollercoaster, and I realize that it is apart of all of our journeys to have good days and bad. But, for a girl who tends to be very stable emotionally most days, this process has been interesting. I jokingly tell my roommates that I have cried more in the last month of being here than in the past 10 years, I guess that gives you perspective on how insanely emotional this process is. However, I am finding that though emotional and physically exhausting, I wouldn’t change where I am for the world. We all have bad days, with feelings that totally stink, but that is apart of the process. It is apart of growing stronger and more sensitive to the Lord’s leading.

Our topic for this week was on relationships and identity, which only built on everything we learned last week about the Spiritual Disciplines…please don’t ask me how. I think it would take me years to fully explain how everything in the DTS seems to fit together and create an atmosphere of extreme revolution within self. Even after a month, I know and hope I will never be the same. One of our staffers put it beautifully when she told us that all of us will be “ruined for the ordinary.” I say, bring it on, Lord! Change us! Make us who you need us to be!

As many of you know, yesterday was my birthday, which added a new challenge to this week. I missed home and the people that I would normally celebrate with. It really made me sad, but more than anything, I felt God speaking to me that we (He and I) could start a new tradition. This year, it would be about Him and me. No one else mattered, and as long as He was there, it would be a great birthday. That very evening I found out from one of my fellow DTSers, Marvin, that I would be one of two going to downtown Toronto to feed the homeless on Thursday night. At first, I thought he was joking simply because he is known for being a prankster, and his prank phone calls are the reason my phone was unplugged for an entire evening. However, after Marvin finally convinced me that he was serious, I knew that the Lord had had a plan in putting me on the first team to feed the homeless on the very night before my 21^st birthday. He was getting me to focus on Him and giving back to others.

Our adventure feeding the homeless was amazing! We were told that going out wasn’t just about feeding people. The people living on the streets are not starving, they might be hungry, but they aren’t starving. The fact of the matter is, they just want to interact and feel human again. I hope that we showed them the love that Christ has for them. I hope also that the woman who brought us saw a little of the love Christ has. We had the opportunity to talk to some more than others, but a few definitely remain prominent in my own mind. There were two men one with a guitar and the other with a dog, they showed us that homeless men and women can have a job and vocation. People living on the streets are not simply bums. Some cannot afford living expenses. Another man spoke to us for about an hour about philosophy and theology. He had come to Canada from India to become a philosopher. We discussed the Communist Manifesto, Nietzsche, the life of Jesus, and if Jesus really was the Son of God. It made me realize that all the man wanted to do was debate and talk to people. It also broke my heart a little seeing how much he needed Christ’s love. I hope that the next groups get a chance to spend with these men. They are truly characters, and I would love to go back again.

We ended up getting done feeding the homeless in time to catch the 11:43pm train back to Ports. At 12:03am on the train, we noticed it was my birthday and Marvin sang “happy birthday” though quietly since the train was completely packed. We got back to Ports at 12:30am, when my roommates all sang “happy birthday” to me as well. They are so cute!

My birthday may have been one of the simplest I have ever had, but it also was one of the best…if not the best. I know that God was completely in control of everything that happened, and I was so encouraged by my fellow DTSers. However, in this small family that is forming, we have learned to love birthdays…cake (along with all other sugar) is a rarity. More importantly, I felt like this birthday helped me reevaluate how I want to spend the rest of my birthdays. It stripped away all of the self centeredness and made me focus on the importance of who I am spending time with, not what we are doing or how much money is being spent. It is about focusing on the Lord and all that He has for me. It is about showing love to those around me.

Relational God

How often do I check in with God during my day? I pray regularly, read the Bible inside and outside class, and I do my best to get to Church every Sunday. After spending time learning about the Spiritual Disciplines (ie. Prayer, solitude, meditation, etc.), I realize that our God is more relational than traditional. He wants to spend time with us.  Nevertheless, how often do I just sit and spend time communing with God? How often to I try to listen to His voice, meditate on His face, or talk over the things going on in my life? I have to admit, communing with God is something that I often have to schedule in because I never feel like there is enough time. The sad part is, I don’t think that I have the right to try to schedule God in whenever it is convenient for me. God is an ever present force in our lives, and we should be going by His schedule not our own. After all, He created us, not the other way around. So why do I have such a hard time sitting down and communing? Sitting down in fellowship with my King?

This isn’t an easy question for anyone to answer, but I realize that yes, communion with the Lord does take a little bit of scheduling on our part. We have to make TIME to sit down with Him. As with any friendship, we have to find the time to be together, but going a little deeper, I personally have a hard time stilling myself mentally and physically. We live in a fast paced society that tells us that every minute of every day we need to be moving, doing, and getting things done. So much to do, so little time. While it is good to get things done, and it is good to finish our projects, I have been realizing that by always going, I rarely rest. I rarely give myself the chance to sit down, take a breather, and enjoy the company of God. While I’m not entirely sure as to why I feel like I always have to be doing, I realize that part of the problem is the culture that we live in that refuses to take a break. Most cities never sleep, and most of us, keep chugging away with little thought to the fact that in order to bring glory to His Kingdom, we have to spend quality time with our King.

This week (or I should say weekend), we enjoyed lectures on the Spiritual Disciplines, and even put a couple of them into practice. Our first time of simply spending time with God was asking God, “What do you think about me?” I was sitting on a bench, under a tree and felt a huge disconnect (this was after about 20 minutes of sitting). Everything within me felt like giving up, but I realized this was about practice not about getting a message and moving on. So, I asked God to open my heart and sat a little bit longer. After a couple of minutes, I looked over at the tree I was sitting under and I felt like I should climb it. I honestly haven’t climbed a tree in about 12 years, so I had to question if I should seriously climb the tree. After a couple of seconds I realized that sitting on the bench really wasn’t working anyway, so even if nothing happened in the tree, I wasn’t missing much on the ground. I climbed the tree. Once I got a good 15 or 20 feet up, I said, “Well, God, you got me into the tree, what now?”

As I was sitting in the tree, I looked down, and I saw how far up I was from the ground and my backpack, which was still sitting under the tree where I left it. It was in that moment that I had to question, why I wasn’t afraid to fall when I was sitting in the tree. The fact of the matter is, when you climb a tree (or anything) your entire weight is being supported by something other than you. I was leaning on a branch that if it broke would leave me helpless to falling and at best breaking a limb. The fact of the matter is, I couldn’t protect myself if I were to fall, but despite this knowledge, I still felt safe standing in the tree. Then, I felt God saying that none of us is strong enough to protect ourselves. We all need to lean on something or Someone in order to be safe at times; and that is okay. I felt the Lord tell me that He always wants me to feel safe when approaching Him, and that it is okay to feel vulnerable. Being strong doesn’t mean that I have to be strong for everyone else. It means that I can be strong enough to be broken as well.

I know that most of you have never seen me cry, which isn’t that unusual since I am not an overly emotional person. Part of this is because of who I am, but I think that much of our society believes that tears are a sign of weakness. It is only now that I am realizing that it takes even more strength to allow people to see our vulnerability than it does to be strong all the time.

Yesterday, we were asked to go around the room and say positive words about each other. The first word that multiple people said was ‘strong.’ It struck me as an interesting thing that I can be viewed as strong by these people who have seen me cry more than anyone else. Still, they see strength. I think the more I open up, the stronger I get. I hope the same for all of you.  

Some Pictures

I realize that my last post was very long, and it didn't have any pictures! So, I am adding on some pictures that correlate with my last post :)

This is where I go walking every morning, along Lake Ontario.

 Port Credit is where we are staying. (In picture, Max and Kyungmi)

 This is another view of Lake Ontario.

 My room...I get the big bed, and my roommate, Jessie, has taken the bed on the floor...let's just say, there is a lot of togetherness, which is great practice for outreach!!

My awesome roommate, Jessie.  

                           All of my beautiful roommates...this was the only photo I had of all of us, but clearly, we have a lot of fun together :)

 All of the DTSers plus staff... Left to right starting in the back, Wes (staffer), Maureen (staffer), Wouter (staffer), Harcourt, Kevin, Isaac, Marvin, Jess G, Stefan, Maxine (staffer), Anna (staffer), Jessie B (my roomie), Cat, Hayden, Olivia, Me, Shin Hye, Kyungmi, Tabitha, and Matt (in the very front).

Team Manure on the farm with our tractor... always having fun!

Kevin (in red) and I spreading the manure from the trailer bed. and singing  disney showtunes... I think Jessie is driving... It was a dirty job, but someone had to do it.



My first month or so...

First off, I would like to thank all of you who have supported me over the last month through prayer and friendship. I know that the first leg of my journey wouldn’t have been the same without your kindness and God’s provision. Secondly, I want to thank you for looking at my new blog. I haven’t written a blog in years…not since they were super popular…aka pre-facebook. I have decided to write this blog in response to a request by a friend, but also as a way to keep in touch with friends and family at home. Rather than send numerous emails, which are infinitely more personal, but results in forgetting who I told what, I figured a blog is the easiest way to get inform people of what the Lord is doing in my life. (Not that I dislike personal emails or facebook messages, please keep sending those to me!! I love hearing from you! J ) I also realize that a number of the people who have supported me through prayer are friends of my mom, so as a way to thank you, I thought I would give you a more direct link to the goings on of my life.

Okay, my thoughts on JAMM (Justice, Arts, Media, and Music) DTS thus far… I am loving every minute. Everyday, it seems like the Lord is opening my eyes to something new, and yes, it can be tiring, emotionally draining, and physically exhausting, but I know in the long run that I was made for more. The Lord asks us to take up our cross everyday, but do we really? I know that I haven’t in the past. I know that it is so easy for me to get wrapped up in my own world and forget those who are hurting all around me. This DTS is definitely not allowing me to get comfortable.

I know you are all dying to know… I have only 3 roommates right now (it is a long story of swapping rooms and ‘Survivor’ like voting off of the island, but we made it to the room upstairs.) The girl I share a room with, Jessie, is awesome. She is such a sweetheart, and I don’t think the Lord could have chosen a roommate for me that would have been more similar…she doesn’t even hear my alarm clock go off in the morning anymore! We’ve had some interesting bonding experiences, such as our apple peeling parties and bagel making exploits! Yes, when we are bored, we invite people over and bake….it should be interesting to see what else this girl comes up with to make. However, I am learning a lot!

There are 15 other DTSers here from various countries around the world, I believe we have 2 Germans, 5 Canadians, 3 Americans (including me), 2 Koreans, an Australian, a New Zealander, and a guy from Papua New Guinea…please don’t do the math, I think I forgot someone… It seems like a very interesting group, and I have been told that we are one of the strangest groups that has ever come. However, thus far, we have all been very honest about our own personal struggles, and bonding is definitely happening, even if that means that we walk to the nearest McDonald’s, which is a good 20 minute walk. We walk everywhere, including school.

We have had some interesting experiences, such as touring downtown Toronto (I live just outside of Toronto) with Wes, one of our staffers. We were asked to look at Toronto and specifically talk to the homeless men and women in the area. I have never noticed how many men and women live in poverty or homelessness within a downtown area, and it makes me realize how many more people must live in every metropolitan area without a roof over their heads. Wes emphasized the fact that the men and women who are homeless are not some subgroup of humans, they are human beings just like you or me. They appreciate when anyone says ‘Hello’ to them and cares enough to stop by. It made me aware of how many time I have walked past a homeless person and didn’t give them a second thought. So, Wes asked us to walk up to homeless people, talk to them, engage them in conversation and genuinely care about them.

Even yesterday, we were working at Greenhaven Farm, which is owned and operated as a non-profit for individuals in need of housing and love. I was most definitely not comfortable…15 DTSers, plus 5 staff, plus the 3 people who live there on a regular basis, results in a lot of togetherness! In addition, we only had 2 bathrooms (I have been told this is great practice for outreach…yikes!!). We were asked to do various chores, such as move wood, till the garden, weed, and spread manure in the field…do you want to guess which one I ended up doing? If you guessed ‘spreading manure in the field,’ you were correct! I think I mainly volunteered because I got to have the opportunity to drive a tractor, where else are you going to get the opportunity to drive a tractor?! I realize that I live in Minnesota, but I am a city girl, not a cow girl. Anyway, we were told to shovel the manure into a trailer; then, we had to climb into the trailer (manure and all) and shovel it onto the field. Thank the Lord for gloves and rubber boots! I will never complain about changing a diaper ever again! Still, I think our team had the most fun. We were singing songs and laughing the entire time. I don’t think anyone has ever had that much fun with that much dirt EVER! My point is, I wasn’t comfortable at all, especially the day after. It was gross, but I knew that God wasn’t asking me to do something that I felt comfortable doing. He was asking me to step outside my little bubble and do something that no one else wanted to do. Then, the Lord made it fun. I would do it again….maybe. J

I guess my point in this post is the fact that I feel like the Lord is calling me to live a life that is less ‘comfortable.’ A life that spurs me toward getting to know more people, doing the jobs that aren’t preferable, and creating friendships with people I wouldn’t ever talk to normally. Safety is awesome, but when it comes between me and His Kingdom, it is a serious waste of my time.

Anyway, let me know what questions you may have for me, and always remember, I love hearing from you! Blessings to all of you!