My Thoughts...

Today, I’m making you listen to a song…

Just read over the chorus for me: 

"I know what I know what I know
We've got a long way to go
But I'm trying, I'm trying I'm trying, I'm trying
To win you when you are around
Go ahead pick my heart up off the ground
If it looks nice in your hands, I've got no other plans"

This song just reminds me that I am always first and foremost a work in progress, and while at times, it is easy for me to be hard on myself. I find this song completely comforting. It is okay to have a long way to go, and God will handle those details. At the end of the day, He is holding my heart in His hands, and that means, I have nothing to worry about. It means that I can sit back, relax (I’m not any good at relaxing), and just let Him do all the work, take the lead and follow Him in everything that I do (also something that I’m not very good at). But the fact that He is even there means that He is doing all the work, and that is very comforting to me.

As most of you know by now, I am back in my hometown meeting with friends, family, acquaintances, and past coworkers… sometimes it is fun, other times it has been rather painful to see people that have never known me. However, I can say that every conversation I have had only makes me feel at peace.

For those who don’t know, I came back with a twofold purpose, the first being to see old friends and let them know my current plan of staying with Youth With A Mission (YWAM). My second plan is to fundraise support for my missions work with YWAM. I guess I would rather focus on the first purpose for now, though I do need the financial support.

I’ve only been here a week, and I’ve already had some good conversations about who I am right now and who I want to become, but I’ve also been learning to listen to those around me and really focus on them for the little amount of time that I get with them. Sometimes, God only gives us small windows of opportunity, and if we do not take them, we miss an opportunity to be ourselves and honor Him in what we do. Listening, I am learning, is almost a skill. I always notice it most when I am sitting with people who really listen to me. You know those people who almost seem to hang on your every word and just make you feel heard. Then, they respond to what you say. I’m not sure if it is a lifelong calling or an actual desire, but because I know how good it feels to be heard, I want to offer that to those around me as well. It is hard though because I know that most people don’t always SAY what is really bugging them. I don’t. It’s scary to be that vulnerable, but I think everyone wants to be heard. We want the meaning behind our words to come out, but it is hard when no one listens. So, I want to thank all of you who listen out there, to me or others, in whatever form it takes… and yes, I consider you reading this a form of listening… J

What's Next for Me?

I think my fellow DTSers would have to agree that DTS changes you. You go through a 5 month intense process of learning who God is, who He is to you, and what He has for you. You come out the other side a different person, and what’s worse, you never want to be the same. You see just a fraction of God’s love for you and this world that you can’t help but be changed. I hope forever.

For me this change has caused me to reevaluate how I want to live and where.  More than anything, I want to listen to God’s will for me and hear Him speak directly into my life as to what it is that He wants for me. It is really easy for me to do what I want and say that it is God’s will, but there is so much more satisfaction in knowing that God is leading me forward. More often than not, I find that God is asking me to dive in headfirst and follow Him, and that is really hard! However, He always promises to lead me on (Eze. 47).

After DTS ended, I felt like God asked me to extend my time with YWAMi.net by working as a staff member here in Canada. This means, I am living in a charity house, which is a charity that offers people in crisis a safe place to stay, off the streets. In addition, the man and woman who run the charity believe it is important for these people to receive God’s love and the option of seeking a new way of life. In addition to their charity, they are choosing to take over YWAM DTS’s in this area, and we will be working to start our next DTS in March 2013, along with several other local outreaches, such as a teen drop in center, a youth group that will give teens the opportunity to be real and get to know God in a personal way, hosting community nights in coffee shops, getting involved in local churches, advertising DTS, and participating in everyday life here on the Farm. We will also be doing some fundraisers over the next few months.

The Farm

The three of us DTSers who have stayed on with YWAMi.net. We have a lot of fun together!

We are only just starting our work up here, but I ask that you pray for the Farm, upcoming DTS, and me. I will be coming back to Minnesota in April, and would love to see all of you while I am there because I don’t know when I will be home after April. Please send me an email, comment, or facebook me, and I would love to spend some time with you.

Thank you so much for your prayers during DTS, and for continuing to pray for me. I don’t think words can describe how grateful I am at your continuing to cover me in your prayers.

Tokyo and Phuket

Tokyo Christmas Party :) We didn't know how many people to expect, but we ended up with 50+ people :)

I’m going to assume that many of you are just a little curious about my time in Tokyo and Phuket, Thailand, mostly because I would be if I were on the opposite side of things. I have so many stories and things that I’ve learned that I feel like I’m still discovering them. The Lord is so active in this world that it is undeniable, and it is easy to look out the window and see the little ways that He is working, even if it is in the small smile of a Japanese man or woman on the street or in the rescue of a Thai woman from the sex trade. The Lord is working. He is active, and He loves each and every one of us so deeply that He can’t help but show that in the smallest ways everyday, as I am discovering.

Hiro and Myumi's Decision Cafe and Japanese Christians (aka Christians make up less than 1% of the total population of Japan)

I think the hardest lesson for me was learning how to love and how to receive love, no strings attached. I have spent much of my life working for God’s (and everyone else’s love), so the new and freeing concept that God and my fellow DTSers could love me no strings attached was hard to move from my head to my heart. I know that God loves me, He sacrificed His Son for me…. No greater love than that, right? But for someone who has spent most of her life working for love, it is a hard habit to break and even harder to move into her heart. However, I was forced to question how I was supposed to love like God loves when I didn’t even fully accept His love in my own life. It struck me that I was being asked to love complete strangers in both Japan and Thailand, and I couldn’t possibly offer them something that I didn’t even have.

Myumi and Me :)

I feel like God took me on a journey to discovering His love for me and in turn, discovering His love for both the Japanese and Thais. He did this in a lot of ways, but the main way He did this is through my team members and the local missionaries in both locations. Looking back at the place that I was at prior to DTS and seeing where I am now, I realize how much God must have loved me in order to bring me to DTS and truly rescuing me. God saved me through DTS.  He brought people into my life who love me and know me. In some ways, I feel like I have watched my team members show me God’s love. They have shown me time and again that love really pushes through the good and bad, it isn’t judgmental or condemning, it doesn’t ask how much you give, but asks how much will you receive, and it is there when no one else is. In a lot of ways, I am still discovering God’s love for me and others, but I beginning to understand that God is huge, and even if I were the only one still on the planet, He would have still made the world exactly the same. He has opened my ears and heart to all He has to offer me, and I’m excited to see what He has coming next for me…

* There is much more to tell, but that will come in time… 

The adorable Essie and I!!

Thai's paying homage at a local shrine. "To be Thai is to be Buddhist" is a common belief amongst all Thais.

My roomie and Joe (Mongolian Missionary to Japan) making an appearance. Joe has the most amazing story. He and His family became very dear to our team.

Update: My DTS Family!!

Hello to all of my wonderful friends and family!! I haven't blogged in a very long time because as you know I just spent the last 2 months living in Tokyo, Japan, and Phuket, Thailand. And I think it is safe to say that the Love of God changes everything...though I feel like I'm still discovering it for myself. And I can honestly say that the Lord has shown Himself in a myriad of ways. I would love to pour out my heart as to the little and big things we did in Japan and Thailand, but in many ways, I am still processing both experiences. I'll work on getting a brief *fingers crossed* summary of my time spent in both countries as soon as possible. In the meantime, I would like to dedicate this post to my DTS family. I left Port Credit in December close to a couple of my fellow DTSers, but over the last few months, we have truly become a very strange family. We don't always get along, but even though miles and oceans separate many of us, I know I will never be the same because of their influence on me. I will never forget the late night talks, tears shared, prayer time, long walks, and worship (though not all of our worship times our held in my heart with fondness). We grew together, laughed much, and became family along the way. I miss each and every one of you with every fiber of my being, and I just pray that you are all doing well. I love you much!!

For those of you who don't know my team, you will probably get to know them a little. Here is a link to a video we made during our last week of DTS (also called Debrief week) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlezndUDrN8. It is a promo video for my DTS and shows a lot of great pictures from our time together. DTS truly does save you.

 Enjoy!!

 

We got very close in Tokyo....literally!!

 

 Our time of intercession...yes some of us are sleeping and others are actually praying, but as long as we were together, that was generally all that mattered ;)  (Kevin on guitar)

 My entire team on New Years Eve in Tokyo!! Such a good night with lots of fun and great stories :)  Okay, starting from the front left; Tabitha (white jacket), Marvin, Jessie B, Isaac, Me, Max; Second row on the left: Hayden, Olivia, Cat, Jess G, Anna, Kyungmi, Harcourt; third row on left: Mat,
Andrew (not actually a team member), Kevin, Wouter, and Steve!

 

Late night Ramen anyone?? We decided to go out for a typical Japanese meal of Ramen... 

Left to right: Jessie B, Matt (missionary of the local YWAM Japan base and our tour guide), Kyungmi, Cat, Kevin, Me, Marvin, Isaac, Harcourt, and Steve

 Christmas Eve in Tokyo, showing our wrapping paper stockings from our DTS staff...

Last day together... I love you much!

Back row left: Marvin, Isaac, Steve, Cat, Me; Front: Jessie B, Kevin, Kyungmi

To my family and friends, I promise I will post more pictures later! Also, feel free to check out just a fraction of the photos on facebook :)

Hey,

Just a reminder to all of you out there, I won't be updating this blog until I get back, so check out the blog that will be done for all my fellow DTSers while I am gone.... http://jamm2011.dinstudio.com/ It is a great place to find out about our exploits, which I'm sure will be many, and learn a little more about what God is doing in the lives of everyone. On that note, I pray that all is well with you and I hope you know I am praying for you. Keep us all in your prayers for safe travels, easy in and out of customs, and a lot of FUN!! Also pray that God reveals Himself even more. We are here to serve the Lord! Also, please remember, that you are made for MORE!

A Matter of the Heart

I feel like I haven’t been posting as much lately. The reality is a lot has happened in the last few weeks that I don’t feel fully capable of describing over a blog post. I even find it hard to describe to people over the phone. The truth is, God has been moving in my life, and even if no one else gets anything out of this DTS, I know that this DTS has forever changed my life, or at least, that is what I pray. God moves in unusual ways, but I’m finding that He only speaks to us in ways that we can handle. In addition, He speaks to each of us in a unique way. When He speaks to me, it is a message particularly catered to me.

In the last few weeks, I have spent more time at Greenhaven Farm, with my roommates, and with God. My focus has shifted in the past few weeks, and I can only pray that the Lord allows me and gives me strength to be real and authentic everyday, and that He allows me to see more of Him; to meet Him in my heart and not simply in my head.

I have been finding over the last few weeks that I knew God before only in my head and not in my heart. I guess this might seem like a strange statement to those who know me, but God wants our hearts not our minds. Yes, ideally, He would like our minds too, but that is not where revelation of who He is comes from. He doesn’t live in our heads. He doesn’t even care about how much knowledge we have or don’t have because if we have a heart that is not in full surrender to Him, we aren’t going anywhere. We will be stalled by our knowledge…. I guess I’ve been learning that knowledge is all well and good, but that doesn’t mean that you truly understand what He has done for you. I didn’t.

I have spent years of my life doing. I have spent so long trying to earn salvation, without realizing it. I thought that God wanted me to always be doing things for Him. I had two hands that were willing, but I didn’t have a heart that was open to Him. God uses our hands, but that isn’t what He is after. Just today, our speaker Frank Naea mentioned a verse that sums this up pretty well:

“I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may

give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I

pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may

know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in

the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is

like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised

him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far

above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be

given not only in te present age but also in the one to come” (Ephesians 1:17-21

NIV).

This is a matter of the HEART! It is a matter of God reaching us in the very depths of our being… suddenly, life is no longer about constantly moving, mental aerobics, or doing as much as I possibly can do in one day. It is about the condition of my heart, which I can testify my heart is in pretty sorry shape in relation to my Father in Heaven. I don’t, or I should say didn’t, know God in way that reached my heart. I had all this knowledge about God, the Bible, theology, society, people….but nothing about WHO God is. Nothing. There are many reasons why I never let God take root, and one of them just happens to be that I was too busy doing to stop and allow God into my heart. It also goes back to pride and the idea that I never wanted to let anyone hurt me ever again, so I didn’t. I built walls around myself, my heart, which kept all out; including God. It left me a robot, shell of a human being.

Even as I write this, I can hear the voices of those of you reading this, saying, “No, this isn’t right…they must have brainwashed her…” “This couldn’t be true, she is so servant hearted…” and on and on and on and on…. You don’t have to agree with any of this, but you don’t see my heart. Only God knows what has happened, how I came to this stage, and what He sees as my next steps. He alone can save me, and only He can tell me who I am and who I am not. Amazingly, I don’t feel pain writing this.

It really is about our personal relationship with God the Father. He saved me. SAVED me. He saved you too, but do you feel it? Do you feel the weight of your chains lifted? I do. Do you feel it in the depths of your heart?  It really hit home today that believing in God in your heart says that the blood of Jesus is sufficient, that the grace of God is sufficient for me. I don’t have to do. I don’t have to prove myself to God. I just have to allow His grace to flood my heart, and I have to daily give my life over to Him. It is hard. Even now as I still struggle with my relationships with some of the girls here and back home, I have to hand those over to God. I have to focus on Him. When I feel like I’m being overwhelmed by everything that I feel like I need to work on, I just hand it over to God. The work He has started in me, He has also finished in me through the cross…and that is enough for me. It is not by my works that I am saved, but by His grace.

In other more exciting news, just last Sunday, we had a JAMM Café, which is an opportunity for my DTS to take over a church service and get our message about human trafficking out. We led worship, read poems, had a small skit about human trafficking, and asked for financial support…which God more than supplied our needs…we asked for $1500, and God provided much more than I or anyone else ever expected. His provision has been huge thus far.

Thank you as always for your support and prayers… this is going to be my last blog posting for a long while due to lack of computers on outreach. However, some of my fellow DTSers are going to blogging about our journey in Japan and Thailand for the group…the link is: http://jamm2011.dinstudio.com/

Check it out, book mark it, add it to your favorites, and find out how I am doing and more about our outreach!!

Female Infanticide

I did my research project for DTS on Female Infanticide, which is the killing of innocent babies (generally of the female gender). It occurs all across the globe. However, it is culturally engrained in India and China; though the practice is illegal in both nations. Here are two short videos to learn more about the practice. I hope you enjoy, or at least learn more about infanticide. 

This one is very difficult to watch, though demonstrative of how potent infanticide is: 

   

This video has more facts about the situation in India:

This is a topic that really breaks my heart, and I hope that it breaks yours a little too. Please pray for the daughters being born in India and China right now; that God would change their society to see them as worthy members created for a purposed. They were made beautifully in His image.

Thank you!