Letting Go

Over the last month, God has been asking some tough questions.

Am I willing to let Him have it all? Am I willing to stop holding back?

I have been feeling God ask me to let go of everything. Let go of my control over my life (what little there really is). To let go of my life. My future. My past. My dreams. My hopes. And my fears. Letting go of what I want, of people, and of the expectation that I will get any type of reward whether in this world or the next for anything that I am doing.

I have been learning that this life of mine isn't actually mine.

The other day a friend told me that she has the next six years of her life planned. Two years ago, that would have been me, with a plan, and sticking to it. Now, I don't even know where I'll be living in two months, much less what I'll be doing in eight months.

It's hard. It's tough. I really like making plans. I like knowing what to expect. I like that consistency, that stability. I like feeling like I have some control over my life. And I like believing that I don't have to give anything up for a life dedicated to Jesus.

I am learning, though, that I have to give that up as well. My comfort isn't God's concern, and it shouldn't be mine. I am finding that I let so many things stop me from being all that God made me. From being the person that He created me to be.

And for what? For what others think about me. For the fear of the unknown and judgement from others. The reality is, only two people's opinion of me matters, that is God and me.

I have tasted the freedom of Christ.

So I have to let go.

And let God have it all.

This past week, I volunteered for a Christian camp for young men and women. Some were local, and others were not, but it was a great week. We had lots of sugar, stayed up late, and spent a good deal of time talking about God.

The one thing that I kept wondering before going to camp was how to best share Christ with these young people, most of whom have heard talk of Jesus since birth, but as we all know, talking about God everyday from infancy doesn’t make us Christian or even Christ-like. Don’t get me wrong, it is good to talk of Jesus and who He is, but it doesn’t always result in a heart change or even a tangible God experience. Once saved, always saved doesn’t work for me. 

However, I was reminded of my own journey and I was able to share it with the young women in my cabin, other staff members, and those I was with. And I find that in this sharing of my life, I was able to remember and glorify God. It is Christ and His redeeming grace that I am sharing when I tell my story. I didn’t hide who I am or what I’ve done, and I hope they felt free to be themselves as well and feel the release that comes from being honest with themselves and others. But, it is in these moments of transparency that I felt God the most during the last week.

I can’t tell you how many times the people around me admitted something and all I did was shrug my shoulders telling them that God works on each of us in His own way; that I wasn’t here to tell them if they were right or wrong. I wasn’t there to tell them to change their lives. I was there to encourage, tell them whether or not they were on the right track and question them if and when necessary, but judgment wasn’t in my job description. That’s God’s, mostly because He sees hearts, and He alone is blameless.

After finishing my week at youth camp, I was exhausted. Sadly, I am not fifteen anymore, and the late nights do take a toll. But I can’t help but appreciate those in these kids lives who encourage them on a daily and weekly basis. The teachers, mentors, youth counselors, and pastors that are able to come into their lives and speak to youth on their level. These people spiritually parent our kids, and fill the voids that exist as a result of absent parents, I have the feeling that many teachers, youth pastors, mentors, and youth counselors have felt something along these lines. Young people today do not need our judgment or disapproval because that isn’t fair. They need our love. 

Mobile Caribbean DTS 2013!!

Our upcoming Discipleship Training School (DTS) is officially set for January 2013; it will be a Mobile Caribbean DTS, which means we will be traveling to five countries in the Carib in five months! It is the perfect opportunity to escape winter, and enjoy sunshine! Feel free to spread the word, let your friends, family, and neighbors know. And check out our website to learn more: http://www.ywami.net/dts_caribbean.asp

Our big project at Ywam I.Net is this new DTS. And it is a lot of work getting a DTS up off the ground, not only do we have to get students (so please feel free to spread the word), but we also have to get staff members, speakers, and locations pinned down. I don’t think I ever realized how much work goes into the 6 months of discipleship that I went through last year.

None of this has hit home more than this last week, which I spent in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, at a DTS Staff Training. We spent 4 days talking non-stop about DTS, and I think I realized that staffing a DTS is a huge responsibility, but the full weight of the responsibility didn’t hit me until last week. Staff members of a DTS are taking on a role to disciple men and women from many nations to send them out to make a difference wherever God may lead them. I guess it is the same responsibility teachers, mentors, and pastors have, but after having completed my own DTS, I know how intense it is. In some ways, I don’t know if I can truly convey how powerful the process is because there is nothing like it. It is 6 months of you concentrating on God and God concentrating on you… and sometimes, that hurts. But, to be a staff member, we have to facilitate this. God is entrusting us with His people. That is a huge responsibility; thankfully, what happens is totally dependent on God and not on me J

YWAMers from around Canada at DTS Staff Training

Huge thanks to those who led the training this week! Also, thank you to my awesome staff members who led my DTS, you rock! Don’t ever change!

Revolutionaries... of Love?

12.3 million people around the world are trapped in forced labour (ILO). 


24,000 children died today due to poverty. 


72 million children of primary school age were not in school in 2005 (globalissues.org).

What does this mean?

To you. To me.

I live in relative comfort. I have a bed, a roof over my head, and food to eat. I have received an education that has allowed me to learn to read, write, and think.

And I'm assuming that most of you can relate. Most of my family and friends live in first world nations, and receive the benefits of living there. We complain about health care, taxes, and the fact that our politicians seem to never get anything done, but really, we have so much. 

Have you ever watched a family member die of a curable disease? Have you ever thought about selling your child to put food on the table? Or worse to give them a better future? If you have, I'm sorry, but to most, these thoughts seem abhorrent. The reality is, the need to survive often causes us to ask questions that bridge on insanity, immorality, and desperation.

Poverty causes hopelessness. Poverty creates crisis among the most vulnerable.

What does this mean?

Poverty in a first world nation means soup kitchens and shelters... but consider a place where none of those exist.  No one cares that people on the street are starving. No one sees the swollen bellies of young children as a miserable plight. No one cares that your child will suffer from a lack of education. No. One. Cares.

Consider a world far from your own. Consider the places you have never seen. Dare to see the world through the eyes of the hurting.

Shane Claiborne, author and ordinary radical, believes that the most dangerous place to live is in suburbia. And I'm beginning to believe him. He says, "We must neither get used to the darkness of human suffering or fall asleep in the comfort of the light" (The Irresistible Revolution). There is a balance.

As I am currently living in a very comfortable situation, I have found it is easy to forget that there are people suffering in this world. The men and women I encountered in Japan and Thailand, easily forgotten. Out of sight, out of mind.

Is this really how God wants us to live? Forgetting the most vulnerable in the midst of our lives? Dismissing those who could use our help? This is not an accusation, rather a question to consider, myself included. We get caught up in our lives... that must break God's heart. I don't believe that Jesus ever promised His disciples ease, comfort, or safety. Instead, Jesus said, this world will hate you because of me.

Does the world hate us? If not, are we doing our job?

Okay, I know what you're thinking, the world does NOT like Christians. True, the world may strongly dislike Christians, but is it really because of Jesus? Or is it because we are a poor representation of Him? Do they really dislike someone who came to love generously and pour compassion on every hurting person He came across? Or do they dislike the Christians they bump into along the way?

To be perfectly honest, people telling me, "Jesus loves you," doesn't do much for me. Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe that Jesus loves everyone, and that God created everyone equally, but telling someone that Jesus loves them doesn't mean anything when it isn't shown. Jesus rarely ever told anyone He came across that He loved them. He showed them His love. He never told them He would save them, He showed them the Father. He showed them how to love one another.

Jesus revolutionized this world through His love. And in a way, I think that is what He wants us to do too. I believe that God wants us to reflect and demonstrate His love for the world that He created. The people that He created. If that means I show love to people in a third world country, awesome. If that means that I show love to my next door neighbor, or roommate, that is awesome too.

The problem lies in the fact that loving people isn't safe, so most of us shy away from showing love to the people who might reject us. That is natural, because showing love isn't easy. Opening ourselves up to loving people often requires us to become vulnerable... and I hate vulnerability. It's scary, it leaves me open to getting hurt. However, if you think about it, isn't that what God did when He chose to love us? He opened Himself up to getting hurt, to being rejected. And let's face it, being rejected stinks, even if you are an all-powerful, supernatural being.

So what do we do? Do we take the risk of getting hurt and love people? Or do we act like none of this ever happened and go on with our lives? I can tell you which one is easier, but I can also tell you which one will transform your life.

Daily, I struggle with knowing how to love people the way that God loves them, seeing them through His eyes rather than mine. I screw up regularly, but I've been on the other side. I've seen others love me because Christ loved me first; they loved me when I didn't deserve it. They showed me Christ's love. So, maybe being a revolutionary of God's love isn't such a bad idea... you might just open the door to God changing their life and He will change yours in the process.

Gardening

Hello all my awesome supporters, friends, and family,

I hope you are doing well!! I feel like I have been very bad at updating my blog lately, which I won’t use excuses for… I will however, promise to be better at updating all of you on a more regular basis.

Over the last few weeks, I have added to my daily duties that of gardener, which seems very fitting as my German friends like to point out, my last name means: Tree Gardener. I guess it must be in the genetics or something, but lately I have been helping Wes, the man who is head of Greenhaven Charity, plant little onions, corn, and potatoes in the garden on the Farm. It is a rather small plot of earth, but for the eight of us living on the farm, it will provide some additional food over the winter months, and for this city girl, it is an opportunity to embrace living on a farm and learning how to do all those things that farmers do. I am trying to embrace farm life, but I’m not sure if I enjoy all the weeding and digging. I’m hoping that as I watch the plants grow, it will make all the hours of toil and sweat worth it.

In addition to planting the vegetable garden, I have had the opportunity to plant the flower garden as well. We have beautiful peonies and dahlias coming up, which seem (at least right now) to be far more rewarding than planting the vegetable garden (and I have to admit, I am sick of looking at potatoes after planting nearly 20 rows of them!). I also got the chance to plant 30 cedars the other day (thankfully, I didn’t have to dig 30 holes, Wes went ahead of me digging as I planted all the little trees). Sometimes, I think God must just laugh at us because I remember a year ago telling someone that I would NEVER garden… little did I know that God would change everything, and He really has. Sometimes, I think the only thing that gets me out of bed in the early morning to weed is the realization that planting seeds (or bulbs) is a lot like life. God plants a seed in someone’s heart or mind, and it just grows from there. We may not see the seed that was planted or even know that it is there, but God knows, and He waters and tends that little seed until the time is right, and a little plant pops out. Sometimes, I know that I’ve planted something in the ground, and I look at the black clay like soil and wonder if anything will ever happen, then one day, almost over night, a little plant just blossoms and peaks its head out as though it is afraid of this big world above the ground.

I guess, I see a lot of similarities between my work in the garden and the work that we do here on the farm (and so many do in their own daily lives). We plant seeds (sometimes unknowingly), and we carefully love and tend the ground in which we have planted. Then, we continue to care for this little patch of earth or even person, until one day, something happens, completely out of our control, but completely within the plan of our Maker. I think the one thing that I have been learning on the Farm, especially with the guests is that all I can do is be myself, remain compassionate for others, know that God is doing all the work, and know that God is working through me, even when I am grumpy, or sad, or happy or however I am feeling that day. God has never looked at a piece of earth or a person as useless, and I think we can all look back on our own lives to give credit to that statement. So, like a seed, I will carefully and kindly love the people who surround me, and know that it is God who is doing all the work.

Keep You Here with Me

Okay, I’m going to have you listen to another song…. 

I guess thinking more about this song… I don’t think it is really about us, but rather, I feel like this is what God sings to us. He longs for us to spend every waking moment with Him, but He is just so excited for who we are, that He just wants to keep us with Him regardless of what we are doing. He just wants to spend time with us. And I feel like He is working out different little ways to keep us with Him. I think He tells us this in a million ways everyday. His joy at our figuring ourselves and Him out. His excitement when we are growing and learning, and His willingness to love us regardless of where we are at. He loves the good and the bad, and I think it is a beautiful thing to realize just how excited He is just to spend time with us. I don’t know if I can say it enough because I sometimes struggle with truly, on the inside, deep in the core of my heart to know 100% God’s love for me and His joy with who He created me to be. Some days are better than others, actually weeks can go by where I don’t even question God’s love, then almost as if a switch is pulled, I start questioning it again. Maybe I’m strange, but I have always struggled with how God, who is perfect, all knowing, 100% aware of everything that I am and everything that I am not can love me. (I don’t usually question His love for others). I know that He died for me and you, but in the past, I have always worked for love. I have always taken it upon myself to work for and earn love. Therefore, the idea that Someone who knows everything about me could love me for absolutely no reason other than because He can and wants to is at times a hard concept for me to grasp. We worker bee types don’t just settle for something that is handed to us, we work for it, earn it, achieve it… and let me tell you we can achieve a lot, but we can’t “achieve” God’s love for us. He gives it freely, and while I accept that for everyone else, I often have a hard time accepting it for myself, but this song is just a little reminder for me of the fact that He wants to keep me here with Him. That just brings a smile to my face. :)

I’ve been back in Canada for about 2 weeks… maybe a little less right now. The first week I spent in Montreal at a YWAM conference with the director of YWAM I.Net and my base leader. The conference left a little to be wanting, but I enjoyed Montreal and the riots! If you haven’t heard about the Montreal riots, they were fun to watch from our hotel room balcony! It was truly memorable, and I don’t know if it is a good thing or a bad thing that all three of us were so excited about them, though our balcony was 7 floors up, far out of the reach of the fire crackers and all of that. I literally just got back onto the farm, and I feel like it has taken me a few days to get back into the swing of things. However, I’m finding that a few things have changed since I’ve been gone, and I don’t necessarily like it. (I feel like God is also asking me to learn how to let go of certain things, and I’m not sure I like that either!) It is always a good reminder that God isn’t finished with me yet. 

Overall, I’m glad that I went back to Minnesota. Seriously, it is nice to have more than 5 shirts and 2 pairs of jeans! Options are a great thing! Like I said in the previous post, there were some great things that happened and some things that I learned that I am still processing through, and that is okay, though I can’t say I’ve even started. That unpacking will happen eventually, I can guarantee. Still, I just want to send a brief thank you to all of you who I spent time with and a promise to those I didn’t get a chance to see that I will see you next time! Sorry that we didn’t get a chance to see each other! Thanks again!

My Thoughts...

Today, I’m making you listen to a song…

Just read over the chorus for me: 

"I know what I know what I know
We've got a long way to go
But I'm trying, I'm trying I'm trying, I'm trying
To win you when you are around
Go ahead pick my heart up off the ground
If it looks nice in your hands, I've got no other plans"

This song just reminds me that I am always first and foremost a work in progress, and while at times, it is easy for me to be hard on myself. I find this song completely comforting. It is okay to have a long way to go, and God will handle those details. At the end of the day, He is holding my heart in His hands, and that means, I have nothing to worry about. It means that I can sit back, relax (I’m not any good at relaxing), and just let Him do all the work, take the lead and follow Him in everything that I do (also something that I’m not very good at). But the fact that He is even there means that He is doing all the work, and that is very comforting to me.

As most of you know by now, I am back in my hometown meeting with friends, family, acquaintances, and past coworkers… sometimes it is fun, other times it has been rather painful to see people that have never known me. However, I can say that every conversation I have had only makes me feel at peace.

For those who don’t know, I came back with a twofold purpose, the first being to see old friends and let them know my current plan of staying with Youth With A Mission (YWAM). My second plan is to fundraise support for my missions work with YWAM. I guess I would rather focus on the first purpose for now, though I do need the financial support.

I’ve only been here a week, and I’ve already had some good conversations about who I am right now and who I want to become, but I’ve also been learning to listen to those around me and really focus on them for the little amount of time that I get with them. Sometimes, God only gives us small windows of opportunity, and if we do not take them, we miss an opportunity to be ourselves and honor Him in what we do. Listening, I am learning, is almost a skill. I always notice it most when I am sitting with people who really listen to me. You know those people who almost seem to hang on your every word and just make you feel heard. Then, they respond to what you say. I’m not sure if it is a lifelong calling or an actual desire, but because I know how good it feels to be heard, I want to offer that to those around me as well. It is hard though because I know that most people don’t always SAY what is really bugging them. I don’t. It’s scary to be that vulnerable, but I think everyone wants to be heard. We want the meaning behind our words to come out, but it is hard when no one listens. So, I want to thank all of you who listen out there, to me or others, in whatever form it takes… and yes, I consider you reading this a form of listening… J