Just A Note

This is a letter that I wrote to a friend a few months ago... and I thought that  I would share it because there is a level of truth that all of us can relate to. The personal information has been removed and parts have been changed to maintain the anonymity and privacy of my friend.

"I wish that we were back in the first grade and a hug would solve everything... well sort of. I guess what we trade in simplicity we gain in living a more full life, which has its draw backs too. I would give you a hug right now, if I could, so cyber hug? HHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! Okay, I know what you are thinking, it isn't the same, but it is quite literally the best I can do on such short notice :)

I am sorry that you are struggling, and I am sorry that it hurts and that you are not happy. I know how that feels. How you are feeling breaks my heart a little bit, not because you feel far away from God, but because you are giving yourself such a hard time about it. I know what that is like because so often I berate myself over things that I know God wouldn't give me a hard time about because He knows me and He knows where I am at.

I think the same is true for you... God sees you. He sees your pain and He sees what you are doing, but He isn't standing over you and condemning you. He just wants to love you right where you are at. I guess when I am struggling with my stuff, often relationships, but I can be more specific, I give myself a hard time about being angry with God about what it is that He wants me to do sometimes or the fact that so often I feel alone, I have a good couple of friends, but basically just me and God (and I know that in the Bible, this is supposed to be the utmost longing or something, but when the rubber meets the road, my heart yearns for physical company and a HOME!!, God is great, but sometimes, I just want a frickin' hug!) that being said, that is where I am at, and instead of giving myself a hard time about it, I need to let God love me, which is hard for me to do because so often, I don't think I am worthy... and the truth is, it shows God's grace... Plus, if I always am working to get to that perfect state of everything is just right, no anger, not lonely, loving the just me and God on an island dynamic, when will I ever get around to just being myself with God? At that point, I am letting all of my emotional crap get in the way of my relationship with God... what happened to come as you are? In some ways, I blame the church for making it seem like I have to be perfect in order to truly be "Christian," but the reality is, I have internalized this fantasy that perfection is possible, it's not.

...so maybe just sit down and talk to God about all of this. He gets it! He gets you more than anyone else, more than me, more than your parents or roommates or church friends. More than anyone. He sees you as you. He knows why you do the things that you do and He knows why you don't think you should. He sees how amazing you are, and He sees your struggles. You don't have to put up a front for Him.. and frankly, I like the imperfect you better than a perfect one... makes me not feel so alone in a (most often) fake world. Jesus loves you, just the way you are."

These are truths that apply to all of us... I think too often, I give myself a hard time about not being good enough. I see this same struggle in my friends. We believe we are not a good enough Christian, not a good enough person, or whatever. The simple truth of the matter is, God created us to love us; He isn't waiting for me to be mythological "good enough" or to meet some invisible standard that he holds all Christians to. He wants me to be the best me possible, and that means embracing who God created me to be and letting go of the fakeness and perfectionism that has invaded the world in which we live, including the church.

I pray that I know these things not only in my head but also in my heart... these aren't things that come easily, but it really requires me to trust God and believe that He couldn't love me more than He does right now, with all my faults and all my glory. He loves me for me, and He loves you too.

Also, thanks to JG for encouraging me to post my half of this conversation.