The idea that I have the right to choose that I am okay or that I matter is a concept that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around... so often, I find that I look toward others to tell me who I am and how I should feel about myself and the world around me. The idea that I can choose how I view myself and how I relate to the world around me is a pretty new concept... you see, in the past, I have let others tell me that I should feel horrible about myself, that I am a horrible sinner that can only get into heaven by just barely scraping by, and even then, I don't deserve it, and that I am undeserving of so much and deserving of very little... to sum it up, I should feel pretty crappy about myself... so I did. I didn't think very much of myself. Even in the midst of my accomplishments, I would feel so undeserving that I couldn't fully enjoy them. I would credit everyone but me, because the idea that I had worked really hard was almost too much for me to handle. I walked into relationships feeling like I was so lucky to even have a friend... my expectations were low and it showed. I have let people treat me really poorly.
Even now, I sit here in a coffee shop and marvel at the fact that I took myself out for dinner... two years ago that would have never happened, you see... going out for dinner by myself just for the sake of going out and being kind to myself was something that I couldn't fathom... I didn't believe I deserved it. Even when I would have a long drive, I would not stop at McDonalds to even get myself a $2 drink for the road. I didn't feel as though I deserved it, and I couldn't begin to fathom when others would do it for themselves... were they nuts? No, I was nuts. I didn't think I was worth the $2 it cost to buy a soft drink... even when I got to the point of buying myself a pop from the vending machine for my night classes at Metro, I would feel like I had to justify it... to myself and to others if they asked, which of course they didn't!
The problem is, I know I'm not alone in this... there are so many people who think so poorly of themselves, and what do we do? We use our words and our actions to show them how unimportant they are. I can tell you hands down the people who loved me just to love me... they showed me when they could that I was lovely and loveable. I can also tell you the people who let me know that I was a nuisance to them. They may not have said anything directly, but the words they used and the things that they did and didn't do, showed me how unimportant I was... and I thought I deserved it. I thought that was normal, and I thought that the people who just loved me were abnormal. I didn't know what to do with someone who just hugged me every time they saw me because they could and they wanted to... in some ways, that idea is still unfathomable.
The idea that people just love me because of me is still a strange concept... I am so used to letting people treat me as unimportant = the same way I feel. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to let people treat me poorly because the more I become aware of this death provoking seed that has been planted in my heart, the more I want to stop it... and I think I want to become more aware of the way that I treat those around me. I know that I am not a 24/7 loving machine... I'm not there yet. I do like the analogy that once our own love tank is filled up to overflowing, we are able to share that with others... we are able to let our overflow of love spill into the lives of those around us. It is a beautiful thing when we let ourselves be loved by those around us but also when we are able to simply love without any strings attached.
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