Just A Note

This is a letter that I wrote to a friend a few months ago... and I thought that  I would share it because there is a level of truth that all of us can relate to. The personal information has been removed and parts have been changed to maintain the anonymity and privacy of my friend.

"I wish that we were back in the first grade and a hug would solve everything... well sort of. I guess what we trade in simplicity we gain in living a more full life, which has its draw backs too. I would give you a hug right now, if I could, so cyber hug? HHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! Okay, I know what you are thinking, it isn't the same, but it is quite literally the best I can do on such short notice :)

I am sorry that you are struggling, and I am sorry that it hurts and that you are not happy. I know how that feels. How you are feeling breaks my heart a little bit, not because you feel far away from God, but because you are giving yourself such a hard time about it. I know what that is like because so often I berate myself over things that I know God wouldn't give me a hard time about because He knows me and He knows where I am at.

I think the same is true for you... God sees you. He sees your pain and He sees what you are doing, but He isn't standing over you and condemning you. He just wants to love you right where you are at. I guess when I am struggling with my stuff, often relationships, but I can be more specific, I give myself a hard time about being angry with God about what it is that He wants me to do sometimes or the fact that so often I feel alone, I have a good couple of friends, but basically just me and God (and I know that in the Bible, this is supposed to be the utmost longing or something, but when the rubber meets the road, my heart yearns for physical company and a HOME!!, God is great, but sometimes, I just want a frickin' hug!) that being said, that is where I am at, and instead of giving myself a hard time about it, I need to let God love me, which is hard for me to do because so often, I don't think I am worthy... and the truth is, it shows God's grace... Plus, if I always am working to get to that perfect state of everything is just right, no anger, not lonely, loving the just me and God on an island dynamic, when will I ever get around to just being myself with God? At that point, I am letting all of my emotional crap get in the way of my relationship with God... what happened to come as you are? In some ways, I blame the church for making it seem like I have to be perfect in order to truly be "Christian," but the reality is, I have internalized this fantasy that perfection is possible, it's not.

...so maybe just sit down and talk to God about all of this. He gets it! He gets you more than anyone else, more than me, more than your parents or roommates or church friends. More than anyone. He sees you as you. He knows why you do the things that you do and He knows why you don't think you should. He sees how amazing you are, and He sees your struggles. You don't have to put up a front for Him.. and frankly, I like the imperfect you better than a perfect one... makes me not feel so alone in a (most often) fake world. Jesus loves you, just the way you are."

These are truths that apply to all of us... I think too often, I give myself a hard time about not being good enough. I see this same struggle in my friends. We believe we are not a good enough Christian, not a good enough person, or whatever. The simple truth of the matter is, God created us to love us; He isn't waiting for me to be mythological "good enough" or to meet some invisible standard that he holds all Christians to. He wants me to be the best me possible, and that means embracing who God created me to be and letting go of the fakeness and perfectionism that has invaded the world in which we live, including the church.

I pray that I know these things not only in my head but also in my heart... these aren't things that come easily, but it really requires me to trust God and believe that He couldn't love me more than He does right now, with all my faults and all my glory. He loves me for me, and He loves you too.

Also, thanks to JG for encouraging me to post my half of this conversation.

Falling

Today a friend just reminded me how important it is to fall because it is in falling that we learn to pick ourselves up again. I know that she was talking about falling in a metaphorical sense or spiritual sense, but my mind immediately went to falling physically as well because I find that these physical examples often provide for me a visual of what falling really means.

I have literally fallen out of trees, whiped out on wet floors, slipped on plastic objects and fallen down the stairs... in writing that one sentence, I am feeling lucky that I am here to write about it. I know there have been times where people literally thought I wouldn't get back up, but I did. I have never been one to let circumstances hold me down, even painful ones.

Additionally, I have always found that it isn't so much about whether or not I fall, but about how I pick myself back up. Too soon, and I hurt everywhere, but too late, and I will never get up for fear of pain.

It has always been important to me that despite my falling at different times and places within the last four years, that I always master the issue that took me down.

In the case of the tree, I climbed that tree after I fell out of it. In the case of the stairs, I continually walk up and down them throughout my day. I don't know how one would master a wet floor, but if that was possible, I did.  Am I more cautious, yes, but I don't want to live in fear of pain. I don't want to walk through life avoiding areas that may be difficult or that have hurt me in the past. That's not what I am here to do.

I think the same is true emotionally, spiritually, and metaphorically. Just because we have fallen doesn't mean that we can completely avoid those areas that bring us pain or may cause us to stumble, should we be cautious, yes. Should we be aware of our shortcomings, yes, but fear them? No. Living life in fear of what may happen if we were to fall again, is not God's best for us.

I think God wants us to live a life full of His grace, and love, and in the knowledge that He will make the changes necessary in each and every one of us. We don't have to fear our shortcomings, rather be aware of them and hand them over to God so that He can make the necessary changes within us.

Ultimately, I have no control over whether or not I fall down again, but I can trust God to protect me. I can also be more aware of the reality that I am a bit clumsy and probably reckless in some ways, but I will continue to climb trees and glide across wet floors and run up and down stairs because that is what I do.

Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes.

Okay, perhaps "hate" is too strong a word. I dread goodbyes, especially when I know that it will be a very long time before I see that individual again. It is one thing to say goodbye when you will see someone again in twenty minutes or a week. It is completely different when you know that this person is going halfway across the globe and you may never see them again... I have had to do this before, but it doesn't get easier.

Our team, Harcourt, me, Maureen, and Jess

This week, I have to drive my friend and teammate, Harcourt, to the airport. I have known for nearly a month that this impending goodbye was coming, but knowing this, never makes it easier.

Harcourt is finally going home.

I keep telling myself this because I know that it is time for him to go home. However, my mind always goes to the next thought, which is that I have never lived on the farm or known a time in the last year in which Harcourt was not here. Life will certainly be different.

 Don't misinterpret what I am saying, Harcourt is a dear friend and a fantastic big brother. I will miss his advice, his words from the Lord, his praying, and his kind spirit.

I am also learning that apart of this life that I have chosen is saying goodbye. It is meeting people who I come to love and having to part ways. It also, often, means that I have to live with the reality that I may never get to see them again in this life.

I do trust that his friendship will always be a part of my life. And I thank God that he came to the farm so that Jess and I could get to know him better.

God Rocks!

These last few weeks have been very interesting. I celebrated my 22nd birthday, met with other Ywamers, processed many new ideas and facts about myself and others, actually, I am still processing. However, today, I was reminded by my roommate of some really good news that happened recently, and I want to share it with all of you :)

When I was living in Japan during my DTS, we did a lot of seemingly "little" things. Things that at the time caused me to wonder if we were doing anything at all. When you go on a DTS, you come into the outreach phase on fire for God and ready to change the world... then you make it on outreach and realize that the world is a pretty big place and that you will probably only leave a small dent. You also learn that the only One who can make big dents is God.

In Japan, we went on a lot of prayer walks... and I mean a lot. I think one of our main activities was simply praying over the local prison, walking through red light districts, and praying along the path we daily travelled.

While in Japan, it was the red light districts that left an impression on my heart and mind. They are literally ghost towns except for a well dressed man standing in at the entrance of every club. I walked these roads praying, Christmas caroling  and just having my heart broken for Japan. I do not believe I ever saw a woman on these streets. These red light districts are strange, and they often left me feeling physically sick whenever I went in.

Recently, I found out that one of the larger prostitution rings was busted in one of the districts that we prayed in!! When I found this out, I had the immediate feeling of joy. My team and I prayed for justice. We prayed for freedom, and while this freedom did not come while we were in Japan, it has come for so many women and men just in this past month. Our prayers did and do matter.  I can honestly say that God has shown His mighty power and His working through prayer.

I ask that you pray with me that God continues to break down the walls of these red light districts and set the captives free.

Please feel free to message me for more details :)

Voices in the Clouds

This speaks to my heart... I hope it does yours... :)

Huge thanks to Ben, who wrote it :) 

My Latest Newsletter!

I wanted to repost my newsletter in my blog for those of you who are not on my mailing or emailing list. :) I hope you enjoy! 

The Farm 

Hello Dear Family and Friends,

It has been almost a year since I came to Canada and started my Discipleship Training School (DTS), but it feels like a lifetime ago that I was living in Minnesota, a lifetime ago that I was driving down Highway 94, or meeting with friends at Caribou. Over the last few months I have been learning how to live life post-DTS, and it has been challenging to transition into the rea lworld and what God wants for me now. It has also been some of the best growing months thatI have ever had, more and more I feel that God is working in my life, stretching me, causing me to grow, and healing me. He makes all things bright and beautiful, and it is in the face of death to self that I have begun to taste life in full. And I am even learning how to love farm life…  

Maureen, Callum and I

This past month has been one of God reminding me of how far I have come. Of how far He has taken me. And of how much I have to give to those around me. One of my greatest blessings in serving in Canada is spending time with the many guests of Greenhaven Charity, spending time with the local youths, and working with women who live at the local shelter. More often than not, I feel as though I have nothing to give to the street-wise guests or the hardened youth, but then, I am reminded that God does have something to give. And, He has chosen to use me as an instrument for His purposes. I am learning more and more that this life and what I do is not about me; it is about what God does and who He is that is important. I feel so fortunate that I can watch Him work through me and see the fruits of leaning on my Heavenly Father. 

Mini DTS Reunion :)

In addition to working with the people in my area, I have also had the opportunity to serve in more practical ways, such as cleaning and gardening. Often, these small tasks remind me of how God works in all of our lives clearing away the grit and grime, or weeds, and giving us a fresh start. Sometimes, this process needs to be repeated, but He so patiently goes back to the start if that is what we need.

Working hard, making Cookies!

In the last month or so, we have started a new YWAM iniative to reach out to the local Christian youth.  We  hope to later do ministry amongst local non-Christian youth as well. We are seeing God’s formation of a young team of individuals who we would like to first train and get to know, then allow them to decide how best to reach their peers. As they tell their stories, I realize that none of us are immune to pain and hurt, and in many ways, my heart breaks for the truths that they share because they are so young. At the same time, I feel honored that they would speak so freely with me and with my teammates. I only hope that I can give them just a piece of what the Lord has given me, hope and knowledge that God can heal all our wounds. 

Pray for us, for the youth, and for our work! 

In staffing with YWAM I.Net, I do continue to need financial and prayer support, which is why I am so grateful for all of you. Please also know that I am praying for each one of you, and I hope that you all have received my letters. And feel free to write, facebook, or email me back. I love hearing from you! I am thankful that I know each and every one of you. Thank you for reading my newsletter and for encouraging me so much over the last few months. I could not do any of this without you!

         

Day at the Beach

Thank you!!
Natalie 

Please also feel free to email me if you want my address or anything :)           

September update :)

So, these last few weeks have been rather exciting time. Lately, my small band of fellow YWAMers and I have felt God moving in a direction that all of us sensed at the beginning of our time together at Greenhaven, but nothing ever happened. We talked about doing stuff with the youth. Possibilities of youth churches, groups, clubs, and even a drop in center were bandied about, but nothing happened. They were ideas that fell quickly to the floor as we dealt with other issues that were much more urgent.

Once again, we have felt a return to the youth idea... well, sort of. We’re actually not sure what it is, and what the youth will do, mostly because we believe that the youth should decide that for themselves… we are simply facilitators. It is so much fun, though, to see them become excited about God, to see them ready to jump in and do His will.

On a more personal note, I have noticed that this time of working with the youth has often brought up in each one of my team members the areas that we need to work on. I think for myself it has often resulted in me comparing myself to my team members and not feeling “spiritual enough.” Whatever that is supposed to be in my own mind’s eye, I don’t know. However, I have begun to realize that we all hear God’s prompting in our lives in different ways. Some have a deep inner sense, others can feel a noticeable difference in the room, some say it is a still small voice…. In fact those I have talked to about hearing God and letting Him work through us have never given me a definite picture of how He works… the reality is God’s leading is as diverse as His followers, and I think I forget that sometimes, and I become hard on myself when I do.  I lose sight of the fact that I need to discover the way that He best talks to me and works through me, whether that be through an inner discernment or feeling that something just isn’t right (or 100% right on), or if it is more of a sensing in the room based on what people themselves are saying. I am beginning to see that I need to trust Him more in order to “trust my gut” as I often pray for because the more I know Him the more I will come to a place of knowing that He is guiding me and showing me when someone is being real or if what is being said is wrong.

Please pray for my team members and I as well as the youth that we are spending time with. Thank you!