Changes

Ok, so it has been a very long year, and a few things have changed (aside from the format and name) but what can I say, a girl needs to change things up every now and again!! :)

First, I must apologize for being remiss in updating both on facebook and here, but I think I have really needed this last year to be mine.

Second, I have really missed updating regularly, writing, and simply thinking out loud with all of you. But, no promises, no guarantees because we all know where that goes… a weird sense of self-inflicted guilt for falling short (of what? I have no idea…).

Finally, I have to give credit where credit is due. On a bright morning, in Canadian Cottage Country, I was talking with my friend, Jess, about this crazy journey that I am on. At the time, I was marveling at the changes in my life in such a short time… feeling hot and cold, coming alive to the fact that I actually had feelings, likes, dislikes, etc. 

And she turned to me and said, “You’re becoming human.”

As a former robot and workaholic, these words struck me… and became a significant part of the journey I am on to become the person that I am, and always have been.

A person I suppressed for so many years. A person that I am just now getting to know.

And that is the beautiful thing. I am becoming human. I am coming alive, and coming to believe. 

Learning to relax (this one is hard), learning to do things I enjoy, becoming aware of the things that I am passionate about, and allowing myself to have an opinion…

So you see, change is not always a bad thing… 

Update ;)

It has been a long time since I last blogged about my life! I guess I have just been trying more and more to actually live my life. It is so easy for me to get caught up on facebook or online or in a book that I forget that there is a world to be discovered. And hiding behind a computer screen isn't always the most healthy thing to do. However, I welcome emails if anyone wants information between posts, however, I reserve the right to not email you back until Christmas... or maybe the new year? :) My communication skills have seriously been lacking lately.

Anyway, last time I updated, I was still living in Canada, but since then I spent three months back in Minnesota preparing to go to Scotland for Uni. I lived in a house with two wonderful girls and a grand total of 5 cats... the girls were great, the cats, not so much. I can officially say that I am not a cat person, and I don't think that I want to live with cats ever again... yes, I am traumatized! Though to be fair, the cats were added slowly over the three months and were at times very cute! In Minnesota, I got the chance to see my mom, a lot of old friends and enjoy probably my last summer before I have to be a grown up and get a real job. :)



Edinburgh Castle

From Minnesota, I moved myself and as much stuff as I could carry to Scotland. And it has been an adventure. I am now going to University to get my Masters degree, something that I have always wanted since probably my first year of undergrad actually, but I never really thought that I would. And I never thought that I would be going to Scotland to get it. It is a joy to be immersed in "my field" as I put it, of anthropology, sociology, and poli sci, but it is also really hard. The grading system here is just a bit different, but I am finding that my abilities are not lacking and that I just need to trust the goods that God gave me. It can also be hard to make new friends and settle in with a new group of flat mates, I have 11 flat mates from 6 different countries... we're pretty cool. I have been finding time to get around and look around the city and the surrounding area a bit, and I think I am falling in love with Scotland. It really is a lovely place (pictured)

Glasgow Cathedral

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This One is for Me

The idea that I have the right to choose that I am okay or that I matter is a concept that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around... so often, I find that I look toward others to tell me who I am and how I should feel about myself and the world around me. The idea that I can choose how I view myself and how I relate to the world around me is a pretty new concept... you see, in the past, I have let others tell me that I should feel horrible about myself, that I am a horrible sinner that can only get into heaven by just barely scraping by, and even then, I don't deserve it, and that I am undeserving of so much and deserving of very little... to sum it up, I should feel pretty crappy about myself... so I did. I didn't think very much of myself. Even in the midst of my accomplishments, I would feel so undeserving that I couldn't fully enjoy them. I would credit everyone but me, because the idea that I had worked really hard was almost too much for me to handle. I walked into relationships feeling like I was so lucky to even have a friend... my expectations were low and it showed. I have let people treat me really poorly.

 Even now, I sit here in a coffee shop and marvel at the fact that I took myself out for dinner... two years ago that would have never happened, you see... going out for dinner by myself just for the sake of going out and being kind to myself was something that I couldn't fathom... I didn't believe I deserved it. Even when I would have a long drive, I would not stop at McDonalds to even get myself a $2 drink for the road. I didn't feel as though I deserved it, and I couldn't begin to fathom when others would do it for themselves... were they nuts? No, I was nuts. I didn't think I was worth the $2 it cost to buy a soft drink... even when I got to the point of buying myself a pop from the vending machine for my night classes at Metro, I would feel like I had to justify it... to myself and to others if they asked, which of course they didn't!

The problem is, I know I'm not alone in this... there are so many people who think so poorly of themselves, and what do we do? We use our words and our actions to show them how unimportant they are. I can tell you hands down the people who loved me just to love me... they showed me when they could that I was lovely and loveable. I can also tell you the people who let me know that I was a nuisance to them. They may not have said anything directly, but the words they used and the things that they did and didn't do, showed me how unimportant I was... and I thought I deserved it. I thought that was normal, and I thought that the people who just loved me were abnormal. I didn't know what to do with someone who just hugged me every time they saw me because they could and they wanted to... in some ways, that idea is still unfathomable.

The idea that people just love me because of me is still a strange concept... I am so used to letting people treat me as unimportant = the same way I feel. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to let people treat me poorly because the more I become aware of this death provoking seed that has been planted in my heart, the more I want to stop it... and I think I want to become more aware of the way that I treat those around me. I know that I am not a 24/7 loving machine... I'm not there yet. I do like the analogy that once our own love tank is filled up to overflowing, we are able to share that with others... we are able to let our overflow of love spill into the lives of those around us. It is a beautiful thing when we let ourselves be loved by those around us but also when we are able to simply love without any strings attached.

Just A Note

This is a letter that I wrote to a friend a few months ago... and I thought that  I would share it because there is a level of truth that all of us can relate to. The personal information has been removed and parts have been changed to maintain the anonymity and privacy of my friend.

"I wish that we were back in the first grade and a hug would solve everything... well sort of. I guess what we trade in simplicity we gain in living a more full life, which has its draw backs too. I would give you a hug right now, if I could, so cyber hug? HHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! Okay, I know what you are thinking, it isn't the same, but it is quite literally the best I can do on such short notice :)

I am sorry that you are struggling, and I am sorry that it hurts and that you are not happy. I know how that feels. How you are feeling breaks my heart a little bit, not because you feel far away from God, but because you are giving yourself such a hard time about it. I know what that is like because so often I berate myself over things that I know God wouldn't give me a hard time about because He knows me and He knows where I am at.

I think the same is true for you... God sees you. He sees your pain and He sees what you are doing, but He isn't standing over you and condemning you. He just wants to love you right where you are at. I guess when I am struggling with my stuff, often relationships, but I can be more specific, I give myself a hard time about being angry with God about what it is that He wants me to do sometimes or the fact that so often I feel alone, I have a good couple of friends, but basically just me and God (and I know that in the Bible, this is supposed to be the utmost longing or something, but when the rubber meets the road, my heart yearns for physical company and a HOME!!, God is great, but sometimes, I just want a frickin' hug!) that being said, that is where I am at, and instead of giving myself a hard time about it, I need to let God love me, which is hard for me to do because so often, I don't think I am worthy... and the truth is, it shows God's grace... Plus, if I always am working to get to that perfect state of everything is just right, no anger, not lonely, loving the just me and God on an island dynamic, when will I ever get around to just being myself with God? At that point, I am letting all of my emotional crap get in the way of my relationship with God... what happened to come as you are? In some ways, I blame the church for making it seem like I have to be perfect in order to truly be "Christian," but the reality is, I have internalized this fantasy that perfection is possible, it's not.

...so maybe just sit down and talk to God about all of this. He gets it! He gets you more than anyone else, more than me, more than your parents or roommates or church friends. More than anyone. He sees you as you. He knows why you do the things that you do and He knows why you don't think you should. He sees how amazing you are, and He sees your struggles. You don't have to put up a front for Him.. and frankly, I like the imperfect you better than a perfect one... makes me not feel so alone in a (most often) fake world. Jesus loves you, just the way you are."

These are truths that apply to all of us... I think too often, I give myself a hard time about not being good enough. I see this same struggle in my friends. We believe we are not a good enough Christian, not a good enough person, or whatever. The simple truth of the matter is, God created us to love us; He isn't waiting for me to be mythological "good enough" or to meet some invisible standard that he holds all Christians to. He wants me to be the best me possible, and that means embracing who God created me to be and letting go of the fakeness and perfectionism that has invaded the world in which we live, including the church.

I pray that I know these things not only in my head but also in my heart... these aren't things that come easily, but it really requires me to trust God and believe that He couldn't love me more than He does right now, with all my faults and all my glory. He loves me for me, and He loves you too.

Also, thanks to JG for encouraging me to post my half of this conversation.

Falling

Today a friend just reminded me how important it is to fall because it is in falling that we learn to pick ourselves up again. I know that she was talking about falling in a metaphorical sense or spiritual sense, but my mind immediately went to falling physically as well because I find that these physical examples often provide for me a visual of what falling really means.

I have literally fallen out of trees, whiped out on wet floors, slipped on plastic objects and fallen down the stairs... in writing that one sentence, I am feeling lucky that I am here to write about it. I know there have been times where people literally thought I wouldn't get back up, but I did. I have never been one to let circumstances hold me down, even painful ones.

Additionally, I have always found that it isn't so much about whether or not I fall, but about how I pick myself back up. Too soon, and I hurt everywhere, but too late, and I will never get up for fear of pain.

It has always been important to me that despite my falling at different times and places within the last four years, that I always master the issue that took me down.

In the case of the tree, I climbed that tree after I fell out of it. In the case of the stairs, I continually walk up and down them throughout my day. I don't know how one would master a wet floor, but if that was possible, I did.  Am I more cautious, yes, but I don't want to live in fear of pain. I don't want to walk through life avoiding areas that may be difficult or that have hurt me in the past. That's not what I am here to do.

I think the same is true emotionally, spiritually, and metaphorically. Just because we have fallen doesn't mean that we can completely avoid those areas that bring us pain or may cause us to stumble, should we be cautious, yes. Should we be aware of our shortcomings, yes, but fear them? No. Living life in fear of what may happen if we were to fall again, is not God's best for us.

I think God wants us to live a life full of His grace, and love, and in the knowledge that He will make the changes necessary in each and every one of us. We don't have to fear our shortcomings, rather be aware of them and hand them over to God so that He can make the necessary changes within us.

Ultimately, I have no control over whether or not I fall down again, but I can trust God to protect me. I can also be more aware of the reality that I am a bit clumsy and probably reckless in some ways, but I will continue to climb trees and glide across wet floors and run up and down stairs because that is what I do.

Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes.

Okay, perhaps "hate" is too strong a word. I dread goodbyes, especially when I know that it will be a very long time before I see that individual again. It is one thing to say goodbye when you will see someone again in twenty minutes or a week. It is completely different when you know that this person is going halfway across the globe and you may never see them again... I have had to do this before, but it doesn't get easier.

Our team, Harcourt, me, Maureen, and Jess

This week, I have to drive my friend and teammate, Harcourt, to the airport. I have known for nearly a month that this impending goodbye was coming, but knowing this, never makes it easier.

Harcourt is finally going home.

I keep telling myself this because I know that it is time for him to go home. However, my mind always goes to the next thought, which is that I have never lived on the farm or known a time in the last year in which Harcourt was not here. Life will certainly be different.

 Don't misinterpret what I am saying, Harcourt is a dear friend and a fantastic big brother. I will miss his advice, his words from the Lord, his praying, and his kind spirit.

I am also learning that apart of this life that I have chosen is saying goodbye. It is meeting people who I come to love and having to part ways. It also, often, means that I have to live with the reality that I may never get to see them again in this life.

I do trust that his friendship will always be a part of my life. And I thank God that he came to the farm so that Jess and I could get to know him better.

God Rocks!

These last few weeks have been very interesting. I celebrated my 22nd birthday, met with other Ywamers, processed many new ideas and facts about myself and others, actually, I am still processing. However, today, I was reminded by my roommate of some really good news that happened recently, and I want to share it with all of you :)

When I was living in Japan during my DTS, we did a lot of seemingly "little" things. Things that at the time caused me to wonder if we were doing anything at all. When you go on a DTS, you come into the outreach phase on fire for God and ready to change the world... then you make it on outreach and realize that the world is a pretty big place and that you will probably only leave a small dent. You also learn that the only One who can make big dents is God.

In Japan, we went on a lot of prayer walks... and I mean a lot. I think one of our main activities was simply praying over the local prison, walking through red light districts, and praying along the path we daily travelled.

While in Japan, it was the red light districts that left an impression on my heart and mind. They are literally ghost towns except for a well dressed man standing in at the entrance of every club. I walked these roads praying, Christmas caroling  and just having my heart broken for Japan. I do not believe I ever saw a woman on these streets. These red light districts are strange, and they often left me feeling physically sick whenever I went in.

Recently, I found out that one of the larger prostitution rings was busted in one of the districts that we prayed in!! When I found this out, I had the immediate feeling of joy. My team and I prayed for justice. We prayed for freedom, and while this freedom did not come while we were in Japan, it has come for so many women and men just in this past month. Our prayers did and do matter.  I can honestly say that God has shown His mighty power and His working through prayer.

I ask that you pray with me that God continues to break down the walls of these red light districts and set the captives free.

Please feel free to message me for more details :)

Voices in the Clouds

This speaks to my heart... I hope it does yours... :)

Huge thanks to Ben, who wrote it :) 

My Latest Newsletter!

I wanted to repost my newsletter in my blog for those of you who are not on my mailing or emailing list. :) I hope you enjoy! 

The Farm 

Hello Dear Family and Friends,

It has been almost a year since I came to Canada and started my Discipleship Training School (DTS), but it feels like a lifetime ago that I was living in Minnesota, a lifetime ago that I was driving down Highway 94, or meeting with friends at Caribou. Over the last few months I have been learning how to live life post-DTS, and it has been challenging to transition into the rea lworld and what God wants for me now. It has also been some of the best growing months thatI have ever had, more and more I feel that God is working in my life, stretching me, causing me to grow, and healing me. He makes all things bright and beautiful, and it is in the face of death to self that I have begun to taste life in full. And I am even learning how to love farm life…  

Maureen, Callum and I

This past month has been one of God reminding me of how far I have come. Of how far He has taken me. And of how much I have to give to those around me. One of my greatest blessings in serving in Canada is spending time with the many guests of Greenhaven Charity, spending time with the local youths, and working with women who live at the local shelter. More often than not, I feel as though I have nothing to give to the street-wise guests or the hardened youth, but then, I am reminded that God does have something to give. And, He has chosen to use me as an instrument for His purposes. I am learning more and more that this life and what I do is not about me; it is about what God does and who He is that is important. I feel so fortunate that I can watch Him work through me and see the fruits of leaning on my Heavenly Father. 

Mini DTS Reunion :)

In addition to working with the people in my area, I have also had the opportunity to serve in more practical ways, such as cleaning and gardening. Often, these small tasks remind me of how God works in all of our lives clearing away the grit and grime, or weeds, and giving us a fresh start. Sometimes, this process needs to be repeated, but He so patiently goes back to the start if that is what we need.

Working hard, making Cookies!

In the last month or so, we have started a new YWAM iniative to reach out to the local Christian youth.  We  hope to later do ministry amongst local non-Christian youth as well. We are seeing God’s formation of a young team of individuals who we would like to first train and get to know, then allow them to decide how best to reach their peers. As they tell their stories, I realize that none of us are immune to pain and hurt, and in many ways, my heart breaks for the truths that they share because they are so young. At the same time, I feel honored that they would speak so freely with me and with my teammates. I only hope that I can give them just a piece of what the Lord has given me, hope and knowledge that God can heal all our wounds. 

Pray for us, for the youth, and for our work! 

In staffing with YWAM I.Net, I do continue to need financial and prayer support, which is why I am so grateful for all of you. Please also know that I am praying for each one of you, and I hope that you all have received my letters. And feel free to write, facebook, or email me back. I love hearing from you! I am thankful that I know each and every one of you. Thank you for reading my newsletter and for encouraging me so much over the last few months. I could not do any of this without you!

         

Day at the Beach

Thank you!!
Natalie 

Please also feel free to email me if you want my address or anything :)           

September update :)

So, these last few weeks have been rather exciting time. Lately, my small band of fellow YWAMers and I have felt God moving in a direction that all of us sensed at the beginning of our time together at Greenhaven, but nothing ever happened. We talked about doing stuff with the youth. Possibilities of youth churches, groups, clubs, and even a drop in center were bandied about, but nothing happened. They were ideas that fell quickly to the floor as we dealt with other issues that were much more urgent.

Once again, we have felt a return to the youth idea... well, sort of. We’re actually not sure what it is, and what the youth will do, mostly because we believe that the youth should decide that for themselves… we are simply facilitators. It is so much fun, though, to see them become excited about God, to see them ready to jump in and do His will.

On a more personal note, I have noticed that this time of working with the youth has often brought up in each one of my team members the areas that we need to work on. I think for myself it has often resulted in me comparing myself to my team members and not feeling “spiritual enough.” Whatever that is supposed to be in my own mind’s eye, I don’t know. However, I have begun to realize that we all hear God’s prompting in our lives in different ways. Some have a deep inner sense, others can feel a noticeable difference in the room, some say it is a still small voice…. In fact those I have talked to about hearing God and letting Him work through us have never given me a definite picture of how He works… the reality is God’s leading is as diverse as His followers, and I think I forget that sometimes, and I become hard on myself when I do.  I lose sight of the fact that I need to discover the way that He best talks to me and works through me, whether that be through an inner discernment or feeling that something just isn’t right (or 100% right on), or if it is more of a sensing in the room based on what people themselves are saying. I am beginning to see that I need to trust Him more in order to “trust my gut” as I often pray for because the more I know Him the more I will come to a place of knowing that He is guiding me and showing me when someone is being real or if what is being said is wrong.

Please pray for my team members and I as well as the youth that we are spending time with. Thank you!  

Letting Go

Over the last month, God has been asking some tough questions.

Am I willing to let Him have it all? Am I willing to stop holding back?

I have been feeling God ask me to let go of everything. Let go of my control over my life (what little there really is). To let go of my life. My future. My past. My dreams. My hopes. And my fears. Letting go of what I want, of people, and of the expectation that I will get any type of reward whether in this world or the next for anything that I am doing.

I have been learning that this life of mine isn't actually mine.

The other day a friend told me that she has the next six years of her life planned. Two years ago, that would have been me, with a plan, and sticking to it. Now, I don't even know where I'll be living in two months, much less what I'll be doing in eight months.

It's hard. It's tough. I really like making plans. I like knowing what to expect. I like that consistency, that stability. I like feeling like I have some control over my life. And I like believing that I don't have to give anything up for a life dedicated to Jesus.

I am learning, though, that I have to give that up as well. My comfort isn't God's concern, and it shouldn't be mine. I am finding that I let so many things stop me from being all that God made me. From being the person that He created me to be.

And for what? For what others think about me. For the fear of the unknown and judgement from others. The reality is, only two people's opinion of me matters, that is God and me.

I have tasted the freedom of Christ.

So I have to let go.

And let God have it all.

This past week, I volunteered for a Christian camp for young men and women. Some were local, and others were not, but it was a great week. We had lots of sugar, stayed up late, and spent a good deal of time talking about God.

The one thing that I kept wondering before going to camp was how to best share Christ with these young people, most of whom have heard talk of Jesus since birth, but as we all know, talking about God everyday from infancy doesn’t make us Christian or even Christ-like. Don’t get me wrong, it is good to talk of Jesus and who He is, but it doesn’t always result in a heart change or even a tangible God experience. Once saved, always saved doesn’t work for me. 

However, I was reminded of my own journey and I was able to share it with the young women in my cabin, other staff members, and those I was with. And I find that in this sharing of my life, I was able to remember and glorify God. It is Christ and His redeeming grace that I am sharing when I tell my story. I didn’t hide who I am or what I’ve done, and I hope they felt free to be themselves as well and feel the release that comes from being honest with themselves and others. But, it is in these moments of transparency that I felt God the most during the last week.

I can’t tell you how many times the people around me admitted something and all I did was shrug my shoulders telling them that God works on each of us in His own way; that I wasn’t here to tell them if they were right or wrong. I wasn’t there to tell them to change their lives. I was there to encourage, tell them whether or not they were on the right track and question them if and when necessary, but judgment wasn’t in my job description. That’s God’s, mostly because He sees hearts, and He alone is blameless.

After finishing my week at youth camp, I was exhausted. Sadly, I am not fifteen anymore, and the late nights do take a toll. But I can’t help but appreciate those in these kids lives who encourage them on a daily and weekly basis. The teachers, mentors, youth counselors, and pastors that are able to come into their lives and speak to youth on their level. These people spiritually parent our kids, and fill the voids that exist as a result of absent parents, I have the feeling that many teachers, youth pastors, mentors, and youth counselors have felt something along these lines. Young people today do not need our judgment or disapproval because that isn’t fair. They need our love. 

Mobile Caribbean DTS 2013!!

Our upcoming Discipleship Training School (DTS) is officially set for January 2013; it will be a Mobile Caribbean DTS, which means we will be traveling to five countries in the Carib in five months! It is the perfect opportunity to escape winter, and enjoy sunshine! Feel free to spread the word, let your friends, family, and neighbors know. And check out our website to learn more: http://www.ywami.net/dts_caribbean.asp

Our big project at Ywam I.Net is this new DTS. And it is a lot of work getting a DTS up off the ground, not only do we have to get students (so please feel free to spread the word), but we also have to get staff members, speakers, and locations pinned down. I don’t think I ever realized how much work goes into the 6 months of discipleship that I went through last year.

None of this has hit home more than this last week, which I spent in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, at a DTS Staff Training. We spent 4 days talking non-stop about DTS, and I think I realized that staffing a DTS is a huge responsibility, but the full weight of the responsibility didn’t hit me until last week. Staff members of a DTS are taking on a role to disciple men and women from many nations to send them out to make a difference wherever God may lead them. I guess it is the same responsibility teachers, mentors, and pastors have, but after having completed my own DTS, I know how intense it is. In some ways, I don’t know if I can truly convey how powerful the process is because there is nothing like it. It is 6 months of you concentrating on God and God concentrating on you… and sometimes, that hurts. But, to be a staff member, we have to facilitate this. God is entrusting us with His people. That is a huge responsibility; thankfully, what happens is totally dependent on God and not on me J

YWAMers from around Canada at DTS Staff Training

Huge thanks to those who led the training this week! Also, thank you to my awesome staff members who led my DTS, you rock! Don’t ever change!

Revolutionaries... of Love?

12.3 million people around the world are trapped in forced labour (ILO). 


24,000 children died today due to poverty. 


72 million children of primary school age were not in school in 2005 (globalissues.org).

What does this mean?

To you. To me.

I live in relative comfort. I have a bed, a roof over my head, and food to eat. I have received an education that has allowed me to learn to read, write, and think.

And I'm assuming that most of you can relate. Most of my family and friends live in first world nations, and receive the benefits of living there. We complain about health care, taxes, and the fact that our politicians seem to never get anything done, but really, we have so much. 

Have you ever watched a family member die of a curable disease? Have you ever thought about selling your child to put food on the table? Or worse to give them a better future? If you have, I'm sorry, but to most, these thoughts seem abhorrent. The reality is, the need to survive often causes us to ask questions that bridge on insanity, immorality, and desperation.

Poverty causes hopelessness. Poverty creates crisis among the most vulnerable.

What does this mean?

Poverty in a first world nation means soup kitchens and shelters... but consider a place where none of those exist.  No one cares that people on the street are starving. No one sees the swollen bellies of young children as a miserable plight. No one cares that your child will suffer from a lack of education. No. One. Cares.

Consider a world far from your own. Consider the places you have never seen. Dare to see the world through the eyes of the hurting.

Shane Claiborne, author and ordinary radical, believes that the most dangerous place to live is in suburbia. And I'm beginning to believe him. He says, "We must neither get used to the darkness of human suffering or fall asleep in the comfort of the light" (The Irresistible Revolution). There is a balance.

As I am currently living in a very comfortable situation, I have found it is easy to forget that there are people suffering in this world. The men and women I encountered in Japan and Thailand, easily forgotten. Out of sight, out of mind.

Is this really how God wants us to live? Forgetting the most vulnerable in the midst of our lives? Dismissing those who could use our help? This is not an accusation, rather a question to consider, myself included. We get caught up in our lives... that must break God's heart. I don't believe that Jesus ever promised His disciples ease, comfort, or safety. Instead, Jesus said, this world will hate you because of me.

Does the world hate us? If not, are we doing our job?

Okay, I know what you're thinking, the world does NOT like Christians. True, the world may strongly dislike Christians, but is it really because of Jesus? Or is it because we are a poor representation of Him? Do they really dislike someone who came to love generously and pour compassion on every hurting person He came across? Or do they dislike the Christians they bump into along the way?

To be perfectly honest, people telling me, "Jesus loves you," doesn't do much for me. Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe that Jesus loves everyone, and that God created everyone equally, but telling someone that Jesus loves them doesn't mean anything when it isn't shown. Jesus rarely ever told anyone He came across that He loved them. He showed them His love. He never told them He would save them, He showed them the Father. He showed them how to love one another.

Jesus revolutionized this world through His love. And in a way, I think that is what He wants us to do too. I believe that God wants us to reflect and demonstrate His love for the world that He created. The people that He created. If that means I show love to people in a third world country, awesome. If that means that I show love to my next door neighbor, or roommate, that is awesome too.

The problem lies in the fact that loving people isn't safe, so most of us shy away from showing love to the people who might reject us. That is natural, because showing love isn't easy. Opening ourselves up to loving people often requires us to become vulnerable... and I hate vulnerability. It's scary, it leaves me open to getting hurt. However, if you think about it, isn't that what God did when He chose to love us? He opened Himself up to getting hurt, to being rejected. And let's face it, being rejected stinks, even if you are an all-powerful, supernatural being.

So what do we do? Do we take the risk of getting hurt and love people? Or do we act like none of this ever happened and go on with our lives? I can tell you which one is easier, but I can also tell you which one will transform your life.

Daily, I struggle with knowing how to love people the way that God loves them, seeing them through His eyes rather than mine. I screw up regularly, but I've been on the other side. I've seen others love me because Christ loved me first; they loved me when I didn't deserve it. They showed me Christ's love. So, maybe being a revolutionary of God's love isn't such a bad idea... you might just open the door to God changing their life and He will change yours in the process.

Gardening

Hello all my awesome supporters, friends, and family,

I hope you are doing well!! I feel like I have been very bad at updating my blog lately, which I won’t use excuses for… I will however, promise to be better at updating all of you on a more regular basis.

Over the last few weeks, I have added to my daily duties that of gardener, which seems very fitting as my German friends like to point out, my last name means: Tree Gardener. I guess it must be in the genetics or something, but lately I have been helping Wes, the man who is head of Greenhaven Charity, plant little onions, corn, and potatoes in the garden on the Farm. It is a rather small plot of earth, but for the eight of us living on the farm, it will provide some additional food over the winter months, and for this city girl, it is an opportunity to embrace living on a farm and learning how to do all those things that farmers do. I am trying to embrace farm life, but I’m not sure if I enjoy all the weeding and digging. I’m hoping that as I watch the plants grow, it will make all the hours of toil and sweat worth it.

In addition to planting the vegetable garden, I have had the opportunity to plant the flower garden as well. We have beautiful peonies and dahlias coming up, which seem (at least right now) to be far more rewarding than planting the vegetable garden (and I have to admit, I am sick of looking at potatoes after planting nearly 20 rows of them!). I also got the chance to plant 30 cedars the other day (thankfully, I didn’t have to dig 30 holes, Wes went ahead of me digging as I planted all the little trees). Sometimes, I think God must just laugh at us because I remember a year ago telling someone that I would NEVER garden… little did I know that God would change everything, and He really has. Sometimes, I think the only thing that gets me out of bed in the early morning to weed is the realization that planting seeds (or bulbs) is a lot like life. God plants a seed in someone’s heart or mind, and it just grows from there. We may not see the seed that was planted or even know that it is there, but God knows, and He waters and tends that little seed until the time is right, and a little plant pops out. Sometimes, I know that I’ve planted something in the ground, and I look at the black clay like soil and wonder if anything will ever happen, then one day, almost over night, a little plant just blossoms and peaks its head out as though it is afraid of this big world above the ground.

I guess, I see a lot of similarities between my work in the garden and the work that we do here on the farm (and so many do in their own daily lives). We plant seeds (sometimes unknowingly), and we carefully love and tend the ground in which we have planted. Then, we continue to care for this little patch of earth or even person, until one day, something happens, completely out of our control, but completely within the plan of our Maker. I think the one thing that I have been learning on the Farm, especially with the guests is that all I can do is be myself, remain compassionate for others, know that God is doing all the work, and know that God is working through me, even when I am grumpy, or sad, or happy or however I am feeling that day. God has never looked at a piece of earth or a person as useless, and I think we can all look back on our own lives to give credit to that statement. So, like a seed, I will carefully and kindly love the people who surround me, and know that it is God who is doing all the work.

Keep You Here with Me

Okay, I’m going to have you listen to another song…. 

I guess thinking more about this song… I don’t think it is really about us, but rather, I feel like this is what God sings to us. He longs for us to spend every waking moment with Him, but He is just so excited for who we are, that He just wants to keep us with Him regardless of what we are doing. He just wants to spend time with us. And I feel like He is working out different little ways to keep us with Him. I think He tells us this in a million ways everyday. His joy at our figuring ourselves and Him out. His excitement when we are growing and learning, and His willingness to love us regardless of where we are at. He loves the good and the bad, and I think it is a beautiful thing to realize just how excited He is just to spend time with us. I don’t know if I can say it enough because I sometimes struggle with truly, on the inside, deep in the core of my heart to know 100% God’s love for me and His joy with who He created me to be. Some days are better than others, actually weeks can go by where I don’t even question God’s love, then almost as if a switch is pulled, I start questioning it again. Maybe I’m strange, but I have always struggled with how God, who is perfect, all knowing, 100% aware of everything that I am and everything that I am not can love me. (I don’t usually question His love for others). I know that He died for me and you, but in the past, I have always worked for love. I have always taken it upon myself to work for and earn love. Therefore, the idea that Someone who knows everything about me could love me for absolutely no reason other than because He can and wants to is at times a hard concept for me to grasp. We worker bee types don’t just settle for something that is handed to us, we work for it, earn it, achieve it… and let me tell you we can achieve a lot, but we can’t “achieve” God’s love for us. He gives it freely, and while I accept that for everyone else, I often have a hard time accepting it for myself, but this song is just a little reminder for me of the fact that He wants to keep me here with Him. That just brings a smile to my face. :)

I’ve been back in Canada for about 2 weeks… maybe a little less right now. The first week I spent in Montreal at a YWAM conference with the director of YWAM I.Net and my base leader. The conference left a little to be wanting, but I enjoyed Montreal and the riots! If you haven’t heard about the Montreal riots, they were fun to watch from our hotel room balcony! It was truly memorable, and I don’t know if it is a good thing or a bad thing that all three of us were so excited about them, though our balcony was 7 floors up, far out of the reach of the fire crackers and all of that. I literally just got back onto the farm, and I feel like it has taken me a few days to get back into the swing of things. However, I’m finding that a few things have changed since I’ve been gone, and I don’t necessarily like it. (I feel like God is also asking me to learn how to let go of certain things, and I’m not sure I like that either!) It is always a good reminder that God isn’t finished with me yet. 

Overall, I’m glad that I went back to Minnesota. Seriously, it is nice to have more than 5 shirts and 2 pairs of jeans! Options are a great thing! Like I said in the previous post, there were some great things that happened and some things that I learned that I am still processing through, and that is okay, though I can’t say I’ve even started. That unpacking will happen eventually, I can guarantee. Still, I just want to send a brief thank you to all of you who I spent time with and a promise to those I didn’t get a chance to see that I will see you next time! Sorry that we didn’t get a chance to see each other! Thanks again!

My Thoughts...

Today, I’m making you listen to a song…

Just read over the chorus for me: 

"I know what I know what I know
We've got a long way to go
But I'm trying, I'm trying I'm trying, I'm trying
To win you when you are around
Go ahead pick my heart up off the ground
If it looks nice in your hands, I've got no other plans"

This song just reminds me that I am always first and foremost a work in progress, and while at times, it is easy for me to be hard on myself. I find this song completely comforting. It is okay to have a long way to go, and God will handle those details. At the end of the day, He is holding my heart in His hands, and that means, I have nothing to worry about. It means that I can sit back, relax (I’m not any good at relaxing), and just let Him do all the work, take the lead and follow Him in everything that I do (also something that I’m not very good at). But the fact that He is even there means that He is doing all the work, and that is very comforting to me.

As most of you know by now, I am back in my hometown meeting with friends, family, acquaintances, and past coworkers… sometimes it is fun, other times it has been rather painful to see people that have never known me. However, I can say that every conversation I have had only makes me feel at peace.

For those who don’t know, I came back with a twofold purpose, the first being to see old friends and let them know my current plan of staying with Youth With A Mission (YWAM). My second plan is to fundraise support for my missions work with YWAM. I guess I would rather focus on the first purpose for now, though I do need the financial support.

I’ve only been here a week, and I’ve already had some good conversations about who I am right now and who I want to become, but I’ve also been learning to listen to those around me and really focus on them for the little amount of time that I get with them. Sometimes, God only gives us small windows of opportunity, and if we do not take them, we miss an opportunity to be ourselves and honor Him in what we do. Listening, I am learning, is almost a skill. I always notice it most when I am sitting with people who really listen to me. You know those people who almost seem to hang on your every word and just make you feel heard. Then, they respond to what you say. I’m not sure if it is a lifelong calling or an actual desire, but because I know how good it feels to be heard, I want to offer that to those around me as well. It is hard though because I know that most people don’t always SAY what is really bugging them. I don’t. It’s scary to be that vulnerable, but I think everyone wants to be heard. We want the meaning behind our words to come out, but it is hard when no one listens. So, I want to thank all of you who listen out there, to me or others, in whatever form it takes… and yes, I consider you reading this a form of listening… J

What's Next for Me?

I think my fellow DTSers would have to agree that DTS changes you. You go through a 5 month intense process of learning who God is, who He is to you, and what He has for you. You come out the other side a different person, and what’s worse, you never want to be the same. You see just a fraction of God’s love for you and this world that you can’t help but be changed. I hope forever.

For me this change has caused me to reevaluate how I want to live and where.  More than anything, I want to listen to God’s will for me and hear Him speak directly into my life as to what it is that He wants for me. It is really easy for me to do what I want and say that it is God’s will, but there is so much more satisfaction in knowing that God is leading me forward. More often than not, I find that God is asking me to dive in headfirst and follow Him, and that is really hard! However, He always promises to lead me on (Eze. 47).

After DTS ended, I felt like God asked me to extend my time with YWAMi.net by working as a staff member here in Canada. This means, I am living in a charity house, which is a charity that offers people in crisis a safe place to stay, off the streets. In addition, the man and woman who run the charity believe it is important for these people to receive God’s love and the option of seeking a new way of life. In addition to their charity, they are choosing to take over YWAM DTS’s in this area, and we will be working to start our next DTS in March 2013, along with several other local outreaches, such as a teen drop in center, a youth group that will give teens the opportunity to be real and get to know God in a personal way, hosting community nights in coffee shops, getting involved in local churches, advertising DTS, and participating in everyday life here on the Farm. We will also be doing some fundraisers over the next few months.

The Farm

The three of us DTSers who have stayed on with YWAMi.net. We have a lot of fun together!

We are only just starting our work up here, but I ask that you pray for the Farm, upcoming DTS, and me. I will be coming back to Minnesota in April, and would love to see all of you while I am there because I don’t know when I will be home after April. Please send me an email, comment, or facebook me, and I would love to spend some time with you.

Thank you so much for your prayers during DTS, and for continuing to pray for me. I don’t think words can describe how grateful I am at your continuing to cover me in your prayers.

Tokyo and Phuket

Tokyo Christmas Party :) We didn't know how many people to expect, but we ended up with 50+ people :)

I’m going to assume that many of you are just a little curious about my time in Tokyo and Phuket, Thailand, mostly because I would be if I were on the opposite side of things. I have so many stories and things that I’ve learned that I feel like I’m still discovering them. The Lord is so active in this world that it is undeniable, and it is easy to look out the window and see the little ways that He is working, even if it is in the small smile of a Japanese man or woman on the street or in the rescue of a Thai woman from the sex trade. The Lord is working. He is active, and He loves each and every one of us so deeply that He can’t help but show that in the smallest ways everyday, as I am discovering.

Hiro and Myumi's Decision Cafe and Japanese Christians (aka Christians make up less than 1% of the total population of Japan)

I think the hardest lesson for me was learning how to love and how to receive love, no strings attached. I have spent much of my life working for God’s (and everyone else’s love), so the new and freeing concept that God and my fellow DTSers could love me no strings attached was hard to move from my head to my heart. I know that God loves me, He sacrificed His Son for me…. No greater love than that, right? But for someone who has spent most of her life working for love, it is a hard habit to break and even harder to move into her heart. However, I was forced to question how I was supposed to love like God loves when I didn’t even fully accept His love in my own life. It struck me that I was being asked to love complete strangers in both Japan and Thailand, and I couldn’t possibly offer them something that I didn’t even have.

Myumi and Me :)

I feel like God took me on a journey to discovering His love for me and in turn, discovering His love for both the Japanese and Thais. He did this in a lot of ways, but the main way He did this is through my team members and the local missionaries in both locations. Looking back at the place that I was at prior to DTS and seeing where I am now, I realize how much God must have loved me in order to bring me to DTS and truly rescuing me. God saved me through DTS.  He brought people into my life who love me and know me. In some ways, I feel like I have watched my team members show me God’s love. They have shown me time and again that love really pushes through the good and bad, it isn’t judgmental or condemning, it doesn’t ask how much you give, but asks how much will you receive, and it is there when no one else is. In a lot of ways, I am still discovering God’s love for me and others, but I beginning to understand that God is huge, and even if I were the only one still on the planet, He would have still made the world exactly the same. He has opened my ears and heart to all He has to offer me, and I’m excited to see what He has coming next for me…

* There is much more to tell, but that will come in time… 

The adorable Essie and I!!

Thai's paying homage at a local shrine. "To be Thai is to be Buddhist" is a common belief amongst all Thais.

My roomie and Joe (Mongolian Missionary to Japan) making an appearance. Joe has the most amazing story. He and His family became very dear to our team.